Old - November 3, 2008 - I Said Goodbye (from SotB) Part 2

It was a beautiful day Saturday. The sun was shining and warm. Deat's grave is on top of the hill, shaded by some huge trees. I remember thinking he had a very nice view... "Um Kel, he's not here...."

I called someone, honestly don't remember who, before I got out of the car. Probably my mother. The footstone really is perfect, just as I had imagined when I laid it out. I was glad that I was able to make it as I wanted it.

I went over and sat down beside his footstone and started writing my letter... tears rolling, and I just let the letter go where it may. I caught him up on recent happenings in my life, in my struggles, but as I kept writing, I realized I was telling him goodbye... and I realized it was for the final time. I was telling him I couldn't take my cues from him as I had for the past ten years, that line of thinking was for our life together, but now death had parted us and I had to make new choices based on who's left.... me.

And I left there feeling better and more ready to face the world than I have since he died. From there I went to the shooting range, by myself, and I felt good about it. It was just the right thing to do.

From there, I went back to my sister's house, visited a bit, then took the girls to Mom & Dad's, and sat and wrote what I got from my day. Some of this may sound harsh, but it's true. I wrote:

1. Today I said goodbye

2. Today, it's over.

3. He's not coming back, no more waiting, no more wishing.

4. And since he's not coming back, what was "ours" or even "his" is now mine.
my gun

my car

my house

my family

my life

5. I don't need approval from anyone. I don't need decisions by committee. I don't need confirmation that I'm right. I'll make mistakes, I'll live with them.

6. If I want it, I am the only one to do something about it. No one is waiting to come riding in on a white horse to do all the things he used to do, or the things we planned for him to do.

7. I did all I know to do, my obligation is over. The only obligation I have to Jerry D isn't really an obligation to him... it's to myself and my girls. To make sure they grow up to be honest, caring people with integrity about them, and to ensure that they have access to anything they want to know about their Daddy.

8. I am who I am. I am not who I am by association. My name is not "Jerry D's Wife" or even "Jerry D's Widow." I am just Kelly, and I'm a pretty good person all by myself. I don't need those old names to identify me to others or to prove that I am somebody worth knowing.

Going forward... I have goals to set. I'll be working on proving to myself that I really can do all the things we used to do as a team... and I refuse to be a victim any longer. To me, that means I will not be "letting life happen" to me anymore. It's time to step up and start "happening to life."

My life, in MY world, for MY family.