Nothing is easy anymore...
No one waiting for me to come in the door... No lanky figure passing the front window... loping up the walk, signaling that our little family is complete again.
Home doesn't mean what it once did... the old definition means I can never go home again.
So, I made a new definition, and I'm making a new life
Though the boring old one, in hindsight, now seems grand.
But this one will be, too. You'll see, you'll be proud of me.
Nothing is easy anymore, but then again, maybe it never really was...
I just felt braver then, but I'll be brave again. You'll see, you'll be proud of me
Editor's note: 07/18/09
I just went back to my old blog and found some older posts I forgot to include. I decided to add them on here, at the bottom of this one so they stay "in order"
The Gift - July 27, 2008
Discovering and rediscovering God's grace is so hard to describe: comfort when circumstances say there should BE no comfort; contentment when everything around you is turmoil.
It's surrendering to find freedom... "Here, Lord, I've got this problem, but You're bigger than me, and I trust YOU. Here, let me know when I need to pick it up again."
And He always comes through, He always reveals His glory. He never let me down, even when the event I feared most really came to pass. He shows me that He never left me; He won't make me, or any of us, walk alone, it's only up to us to keep seeking Him.
Oh, if only I could GIVE this gift to people I love, hand it to each of them on silver platters and say "See, I TOLD you it's incredible!" If only I could write or say SOMETHING that could convey even 1/1000th of the magnitude of what He's done for me in the past year alone.
I didn't DESERVE it, none of us do. Jesus died because we don't deserve it. Deserving it is beside the point... I can't/didn't earn it, and I suppose that could be why I can't give it away: His glory, not mine.
It's not my gift to give...
How do ya do this? - July 15,2008
How do you start over? How do you manage a life that you didn't plan to have without your partner, your best friend?
Everything is so different. The responsibilities look like mountains. Two little people count on YOU. Not the two of you, YOU. The price for mistakes is so much higher now... every decision you make COUNTS so much more.
You get so fearful of making a mistake... so afraid you'll put the wrong priority first in your list of "to do's"... you're terrified to even pick which one needs to be done first! Left, Right? Yes, No? And the person whose opinion mattered most isn't here to weigh in on them. Couldn't he just come home for an hour or two and TELL ME WHAT TO DO?
Well, I'll tell you how you do it... you just do it. You just do it because you HAVE TO. Because two little girls need Mama to seem like she knows what she's doing, even if she doesn't. You just do it because it has to be done, and if you choose the wrong thing, then God will see you through the mistakes, as He always has and He always will.
Lord, I'm scared. I'm scared but I've been scared before... and I do trust YOU. Just gotta look to You more, huh?
No Place Like Home (The Old and the New) - July 09, 2008
I posted pictures... but I'm sure they still don't capture the way my heart swells when I look out over the yard and the farm. I feel sheltered there... nothing can touch me or hurt me.
But, eventually, "safe havens" start to feel like cages... I'm always glad to get there, but glad again to go HOME, the home, the life I have with my own little family.
And then, there's today - June 24, 2008
Sometimes you look forward, sometimes you look back. It's all normal, it's not a failure... just take the time, and BREATHE.
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