Once upon a time in 1999 I married a man nicknamed "Deat".
He was a public figure, a good man, my very best friend, and I cherished him.
Our girls were born in 2001 and 2005, and he was a fantastic father as well.
I told people I married "The Greatest Guy in Six Counties." I was so proud of him, I even made "Deatswife" my ID on many internet sites, including a local internet forum I helped moderate.
In July 2007, he became ill.
I wrote publicly about it: in updates to our friends and family in an email chain, and in similar updates on the forum. You can read those in the link to the right titled "What Happened." or click the link I just made.
In February of 2008. He died.
In July of that same year, I started writing about that.
In June of 2009, I moved those writings here, and kept writing.
I chose "Justkellyhere" for this because I had to accept that I wasn't "Deat's Wife" anymore, and I couldn't let myself become defined as "Deat's Widow". Over the first three years, with the help of some great friends and family, (and some good therapists, both inside and outside the clinical setting) I figured out that "Just Kelly" isn't a bad person to be.
He was a public figure, a good man, my very best friend, and I cherished him.
Our girls were born in 2001 and 2005, and he was a fantastic father as well.
I told people I married "The Greatest Guy in Six Counties." I was so proud of him, I even made "Deatswife" my ID on many internet sites, including a local internet forum I helped moderate.
In July 2007, he became ill.
I wrote publicly about it: in updates to our friends and family in an email chain, and in similar updates on the forum. You can read those in the link to the right titled "What Happened." or click the link I just made.
In February of 2008. He died.
In July of that same year, I started writing about that.
In June of 2009, I moved those writings here, and kept writing.
I chose "Justkellyhere" for this because I had to accept that I wasn't "Deat's Wife" anymore, and I couldn't let myself become defined as "Deat's Widow". Over the first three years, with the help of some great friends and family, (and some good therapists, both inside and outside the clinical setting) I figured out that "Just Kelly" isn't a bad person to be.
This blog began as a way to heal, my first tentative steps at reaching "back out" into the world; a world where I suddenly had to redefine myself, reset my parameters, and re-plan my future. As I wrote, I realized I wasn't really navigating uncharted territory: widowhood was just new ground to me. (And man-oh-man was I scared!)
One of the first lessons I learned away from my keyboard was the simplest: Nobody "gets it" like another widow or widower. None of us wanted to join this club, but the bonds within it got me through the hardest of times. Some days, just knowing that others had been through it and survived, was the only sane thing I had to hang on to. I really wasn't the first woman (or man) to lose a spouse at a fairly young age.
Over and over again in conversations with those who had also lost a spouse, I found myself saying, "You did that, too?" and thinking n to myself, "Whew, I'm not crazy!"
One of the first lessons I learned away from my keyboard was the simplest: Nobody "gets it" like another widow or widower. None of us wanted to join this club, but the bonds within it got me through the hardest of times. Some days, just knowing that others had been through it and survived, was the only sane thing I had to hang on to. I really wasn't the first woman (or man) to lose a spouse at a fairly young age.
Over and over again in conversations with those who had also lost a spouse, I found myself saying, "You did that, too?" and thinking n to myself, "Whew, I'm not crazy!"
But some of my earlier posts will tell you I was. And if you've recently lost a loving spouse, I can tell you, you ARE.
As I wrote my entries back then, I remember thinking sometimes, "Do you really want people reading your blog to know all this? Do you really want to give people a chance to view this part of your life and think Dang, that chick is NUTS!?
But my hope was that maybe later, that reader, when experiencing his or her own major grief, would remember something I wrote. Maybe when he or she, sitting back after being confounded by his or her own insane-but-seemingly-un-grief-related thoughts and actions, would remember reading my crazy passages and realize that grief-fog, grief-insanity, isn't permanent. If one person reads this and finds a little solace for himself or herself, I can't ask for a greater outcome than that.
Especially in the older posts, you'll see some wild mood swings, some seemingly insane logic, some "glossed over" posts where I tried to deny the pain I was in... and between the lines, a desperate desire to just feel better. If you're going through it now, I can promise you, (albeit mind-numbingly slowly) it does get better. Gosh how I hated when my widowed friends would say, "it just takes time..." but they were right. Some of the things you'll find in my older posts apply only to me, but some of it is universal... and so is the getting better.
Four years in, I have a pretty good handle on who "JustKelly" is, and I've become pretty darn comfortable with her. I still miss Deat terribly. I still think about him every day. I still encounter situations that scream, "If only he were here!"
They still happen, but not with the same intensity. Now when I do some seemingly-insane thing, it's very seldom grief-related, it's more often Kelly-just-made-a-poor-choice related. The bad days don't come as often. These days when I post, I mention Deat from time to time, but my world doesn't revolve around him, or the pain of losing him, anymore.
Now, JustKellyHere is about life in general for the girls and me: the ups, the downs, the in-betweens. It's now my hope that if someone grieving reads this, they'll see proof that eventually, life can look good again. The bone-crushing weight of grief eventually gets lighter. It's my hope to offer hope.
Now, (since I've been so serious), I have to share with you another topic I'm very serious about:: THE RULES of this blog! If you haven't done so yet, please proceed immediately to the player, scroll to #7, and dance like an idiot... or you WILL be branded a rule-breaker!
They still happen, but not with the same intensity. Now when I do some seemingly-insane thing, it's very seldom grief-related, it's more often Kelly-just-made-a-poor-choice related. The bad days don't come as often. These days when I post, I mention Deat from time to time, but my world doesn't revolve around him, or the pain of losing him, anymore.
Now, JustKellyHere is about life in general for the girls and me: the ups, the downs, the in-betweens. It's now my hope that if someone grieving reads this, they'll see proof that eventually, life can look good again. The bone-crushing weight of grief eventually gets lighter. It's my hope to offer hope.
Now, (since I've been so serious), I have to share with you another topic I'm very serious about:: THE RULES of this blog! If you haven't done so yet, please proceed immediately to the player, scroll to #7, and dance like an idiot... or you WILL be branded a rule-breaker!
