May 14, 2009 - Deciphering

Why do I try so hard to decipher the happenings around me? I study the flow of life like a scientist, watching the ups and downs as though I could find some way to measure it, create a scale for predictability. I search for clues, "If I just had the right variables in my database..."

I watch my subconscious maneuver and collect, convinced that if I catch all the signs, I can prevent ever feeling blindsided... or ever feeling hurt again. If I just keep a handle on all the information, I can be as kind and giving and trusting as is my nature without ever regretting. I go back and look... I go over and over the things that led up to each wound "Man, I won't do THAT again!"

But then, seemingly from nowhere, another blow gets landed... ever the more painful because I was convinced my logic was sound. A+B is SUPPOSED to equal C, right? If I worked for what I wanted... in my homelife, in my career, in my relationships, I'm supposed to HAVE what I sought, right?

This morning, B.B. (now 3) wanted ice cream for breakfast, and was very upset when Momma made her throw the ice cream sandwich she stole from the freezer away. She became even more upset when, after she fished it out of the trash, Momma grabbed it and flushed it down the commode. She cried and wailed "I want ice cream! I want it Momma! I want...." (Sound familiar?).

"B.B., you can't have it, you're not going to have it, its time to think about something else"

Then later, "Momma, I don't WANT to go to little school! I don't want to! I don't!"

"B.B., you have to, it's going to happen, so we might as well talk about something else."

I was reflecting on B.B. and my struggles after I dropped her off this morning... her turmoil-filled morning. I smiled remembering her happy grin as I left. "Bye Mommy! See you later!"

Um, Gee, Kel, maybe YOU should practice what you preach.