It's a Longer Process than I Thought

I guess I keep putting off writing because I feel guilty about writing about widowhood... is that all there is to me? Is that going to be my identity from now on? "Hi, I'm Kelly and I'm a widow who can't stop talking about it."

Part of me says, "Kelly, you've got to let go of this "widow" title, it's been over a year. You need to write fun whimsical things that people will want to read."

Part of me says, "Kelly, this IS who you are. You know it still colors everything that you do and think. You're being less than honest if you try to pretend you don't think about and miss Deat every single day."

I know my mindset is better. I've discovered some things I missed in being part of a two-parent household. My new favorite time of the day during the school year is the 15 minutes it takes to drive P.D. to "big school" after dropping B.B. off. That's when she really talks about what happens at school and we really talk and bond with one another. I didn't realize how much I missed when Deat was the one who did the bedtime stories with B.B.. I've learned to set aside time for "special stuff" like going to a museum or even simply to the pool... things I would have left to Deat.

I actually enjoy tackling some of the new challenges of caring for myself, my girls, our household, "on my own." I know I will have to get some kind of job soon, but I'm trying to use this time to take care of issues I've been meaning to "get around to" for years: making a REAL budget, sewing grass seed on that bald spot in the yard, hiring someone to waterproof the basement, putting in deadbolts, getting the back door fixed; and I relish the sense of accomplishment from each one.

I wonder, "Have I grieved? Am I past the pain?" I feel so much better than I did a year ago, so maybe I have.

But what if I missed a step? What if I missed some really important element to the process and it's going to take me hurtling back to that horrible dark place where all I can do is wish for the life we had planned?"

Then I think, "It's somewhere in between." Past the worst of it but still with work to do, things to work through yet. I still struggle with resentments in this new life, one being that a year later, it still feels new. I resent:

• That so many biological fathers walk away from their kids, while my girls had a Daddy who wanted to be with them and didn't get a choice.
• The title "single mom". I'm sure it's part of the reason I cling to the title "widow". This nagging voice in me wants to make it clear that I didn't CHOOSE to be a single mom, I didn't walk away, drive him away, nor did I let him leave. I fought my damnedest to keep him with us.
• That doctors are not infallible and I really resent the diagnosis "Lupus". I have since decided that "Lupus" actually means "we really don't know what is wrong and we have no clue what to do but we'll give it a name and so we can pretend we know what's going on."
• That I find myself missing male companionship but dreading the whole process of changing that. I did my time on the dating scene when I was younger. Now I'm older, ill-equipped for dating and terrified of some of the possible ramifications to not only my well-being but also to my girls'.

I could write volumes about many of the topics I've touched on throughout in this entry, many of them deserving their own entries, both good and bad.
At least I've got material!