1. Found a friend I haven't talked to in a little over 10 years... I will be doing a blog at some point of the idiotic stuff in our college days.
2. Today with Ev... it was awesome. We spent the day doing chores outside... aw, can't do that one tonight, need to flesh out how I want to describe it.
3. Yesterday with my D. family... man I am SOOOO blessed!
4. Still have the one about TLC and Shleprock on the shelf... my blog born from her blog about my blog...
But tonight, this has to be short, just a quick observation.
Spent HOURS talking to TLC (girlfriend, writer, close friend from my EKU days) over the weekend... about EVERYTHING. One of us will start to tell the other about something that happened to us... the other automatically knows the reaction... a really DEEP friendship.
One of the things we discussed was that sometimes, (oftentimes!) in writing these blogs I learn something about myself.
Backing up a bit... several weekends ago Momma, Daddy and Wayne came down to L-town to look over the estimates I'd collected on waterproofing my basement. Wayne once worked for B-Dry, and Daddy and Wayne like each other, so they rode together.
Anyway, at one point, Wayne, Momma and I were in the kitchen talking and Daddy had stepped back out into the backyard to look over the back entrance to my basement again. I looked out and saw him hand-motioning at the door and talking to himself. I pointed it out to Wayne and laughed... He's always done that and I do the same thing. When I have a big decision to make or a big job to tackle, I often have a conversation with myself about the variables... just voicing what I'm thinking about helps me clarify the issues in my mind... at least I come by it honestly.
C.T. once told me that helping me figure things out was easy, I most often figured out whatever was troubling me in the course of explaining it to him. (Again, maybe he wasn't as great as I thought he was... just kidding. I needed a venting place and he served THAT role well.)
Back to my conversation with TLC, she asked me where I thought I was in the whole grief process and I said I felt I was very close to total acceptance but that I realized that in some ways I would always grieve for Deat. She answered that she finally believed me.
"Huh?"
"Well, you know, I've kept up with your blogs. You spent a lot of time in what I called denial-acceptance. If you're spending that much time saying you've accepted it, you probably really haven't yet."
Which of course made me think... TLC ALWAYS makes me think, even when I don't want to!
Prior to our conversation, I had been pondering why, nearly a year and a half later, I felt a need to spend so much time, to write so many blogs talking about Deat. As I was re-reading my Kirk/C.T. blog, I think I hit upon an answer in one line in the section about "A key component of major grief,
Until I wrote that line a couple days ago, I don't think I ever really described to anyone, or even conceptualized for myself just how much I HURT. When that description came out it was almost as if I was recognizing that level of pain for the first time; then, I was realizing that I really do still hurt, but not LIKE THAT anymore.
The hurt is still there, but it isn't so sharp that I can't bear to talk about it. I talk about Deat so much because I CAN now. I'm not desperately trying to push the memories away. I don't work so hard at stopping the tears when they come, as I did then. I acknowledge God's blessings in the whole experience, but I don't feel so compelled to try to STAY focused on them for fear of allowing the pendulum to swing the other way. I'm not afraid of the hurt anymore. I still have my grief-fog moments, but I'm no longer afraid of completely losing my mind.
And in the past few months, I've become comfortable with the idea of not dating, and comfortable with owning up to the fact that I'm really not ready.
Would I like there to be someone special? Maybe. But now I'm okay with the fact that it may not even be worth it for all the planning and arrangement-making it would have to involve, instead of lamenting how difficult it would be to manage. I don't need a relationship to help me hide from the hurt... at this point my mind is wrapped up in the girls' and my day-to-day, in accomplishing some long-set-aside goals, in laying groundwork. Honestly, it seems like dating would be a distraction from the things I really want to do, instead of a distraction from the things I really wanted to hide from, as before.
In writing, I discovered, "Wow, some progress in the healing process snuck up on me!"
One of the things we discussed was that sometimes, (oftentimes!) in writing these blogs I learn something about myself.
Backing up a bit... several weekends ago Momma, Daddy and Wayne came down to L-town to look over the estimates I'd collected on waterproofing my basement. Wayne once worked for B-Dry, and Daddy and Wayne like each other, so they rode together.
Anyway, at one point, Wayne, Momma and I were in the kitchen talking and Daddy had stepped back out into the backyard to look over the back entrance to my basement again. I looked out and saw him hand-motioning at the door and talking to himself. I pointed it out to Wayne and laughed... He's always done that and I do the same thing. When I have a big decision to make or a big job to tackle, I often have a conversation with myself about the variables... just voicing what I'm thinking about helps me clarify the issues in my mind... at least I come by it honestly.
C.T. once told me that helping me figure things out was easy, I most often figured out whatever was troubling me in the course of explaining it to him. (Again, maybe he wasn't as great as I thought he was... just kidding. I needed a venting place and he served THAT role well.)
Back to my conversation with TLC, she asked me where I thought I was in the whole grief process and I said I felt I was very close to total acceptance but that I realized that in some ways I would always grieve for Deat. She answered that she finally believed me.
"Huh?"
"Well, you know, I've kept up with your blogs. You spent a lot of time in what I called denial-acceptance. If you're spending that much time saying you've accepted it, you probably really haven't yet."
Which of course made me think... TLC ALWAYS makes me think, even when I don't want to!
Prior to our conversation, I had been pondering why, nearly a year and a half later, I felt a need to spend so much time, to write so many blogs talking about Deat. As I was re-reading my Kirk/C.T. blog, I think I hit upon an answer in one line in the section about "A key component of major grief,
"When you hurt to the point you can't relay it to anyone because you're too afraid of opening it up and looking at it yourself..."
Until I wrote that line a couple days ago, I don't think I ever really described to anyone, or even conceptualized for myself just how much I HURT. When that description came out it was almost as if I was recognizing that level of pain for the first time; then, I was realizing that I really do still hurt, but not LIKE THAT anymore.
The hurt is still there, but it isn't so sharp that I can't bear to talk about it. I talk about Deat so much because I CAN now. I'm not desperately trying to push the memories away. I don't work so hard at stopping the tears when they come, as I did then. I acknowledge God's blessings in the whole experience, but I don't feel so compelled to try to STAY focused on them for fear of allowing the pendulum to swing the other way. I'm not afraid of the hurt anymore. I still have my grief-fog moments, but I'm no longer afraid of completely losing my mind.
And in the past few months, I've become comfortable with the idea of not dating, and comfortable with owning up to the fact that I'm really not ready.
Would I like there to be someone special? Maybe. But now I'm okay with the fact that it may not even be worth it for all the planning and arrangement-making it would have to involve, instead of lamenting how difficult it would be to manage. I don't need a relationship to help me hide from the hurt... at this point my mind is wrapped up in the girls' and my day-to-day, in accomplishing some long-set-aside goals, in laying groundwork. Honestly, it seems like dating would be a distraction from the things I really want to do, instead of a distraction from the things I really wanted to hide from, as before.
In writing, I discovered, "Wow, some progress in the healing process snuck up on me!"
Glad to be of assistance. That's what I'm here for. And, thanks!
ReplyDeleteLove you,
TLC