A Tommy...

And so it began.

I didn't take him seriously at first. He wasn't the first guy to develop a little attachment to me... I make a great friend. I'm a good listener and I take an interest in what the other person has to say. "Something" comes up and things don't work out in the way the guy hopes, and I'm still a good friend.

See, for all my big talk in this blog about being ready to date, I don't think I was. I had the on-again/off-again thing with Kirk because I KNEW he'd never commit. Even if, on the very off chance he decided he wanted to commit, I knew for him it was too hard. It was too much work. He'd lay it off on the tragedies of fate and I'd be off scot-free. Was I attached to Kirk? Yes, very... but the future I hoped for had no grounding in reality... and I knew that.

So, with Tommy, I sort of sat back and waited for the inevitable "thing" that would make this flirting ease into friendship. The "thing" might be different values, me refusing to budge on an issue, or putting up a wall so high he'd never get over or around it. I pulled out all the stops I had stored up.

Tommy team-drives a semi with his partner, Scooter. They're out for 4-6 weeks at a time, then off the road for 4-6 days. He drives the day shift, so for the bulk of the day he's under the wheel (driving) and can't check text messages and communicate through Facebook chat as we had been. He gave me his number and I wouldn't call it, and I didn't offer mine. I gave in after a couple days, and suddenly we were talking all the time, on the 45 minute drive to work, on the drive home, while I was cooking dinner, any time the girls were busy.

On the Road Again...

I insisted if we were going to keep talking, it had to be no sugar-coating, no punches pulled... and I confronted him about everything... not even politely. If he downplayed anything, I called him on it.(At one point he laughed, "Dang! Are you this blunt about everything?")

I was blessed with being a good listener, but thanks to my job I've learned how to listen with intent: for discrepancies, inconsistencies, for any indications of a value system out-of-line with mine. I lobbed tests at him, presented scenarios in which the most obvious choices were self-preservation and the easy way out. He never chose the easy way, he always chose treating people the way he'd want to be treated, doing the right thing over the easy thing. I noticed his own stories from his own life reflected the same values.

Tommy made me laugh... I mean so hard I'd have tears in my eyes and be unable to talk. He was quick without being crass. I left him wide open to be disrespectful, and he never once crossed the line. He seemed to like me better for having boundaries. He never made a secret of his attraction to me, but if the conversation got close to innuendo, he'd change the subject. Immediately. Repeatedly. So I resorted to my big gun...

I talked about Deat. A lot. I mean a lot. Anyone who knows me knows my face and my voice still light up when I mention Deat. Tommy never flinched. He still doesn't. He says he's glad I was blessed to have someone who made me so happy. We made plans to see each other when he came in. He booked a hotel here in town.

I was a little nervous that first Saturday of August when Tommy came over early for coffee. Within five minutes it was like he belonged on the stool across from me. I made breakfast... he mowed my yard (with a push mower, and it was a JUNGLE.) He grabbed a shower then we spent the day doing mundane things: ran errands; cooked supper, took B.B. out so she could dance at half-time at a local football event.

And we laughed. And laughed some more. Somewhere between sipping coffee from my new Route 66 (from the REAL Route 66!) mug, and sitting on bleachers texting each other at the game, I was hooked.

Remember those jokes about hitting on me? They went on for a while... I asked him one day not long before his first visit to "come clean" about "whatever this is" between us. Tommy said it didn't need a "name" on it... by the time we found a name to put on it we would likely have already been committed to each other for some time. And so it is.

As time went on I realized, I had not imagined ever feeling this way again, or that there would come a time when someone would feel the way he does about me. I keep waiting for the "dopamine" to wear off, but the phone rings or the text dings and that grin crosses my face before I can stop myself. Everybody around me needs insulin...

So we're trying not to put expectations or time-tables on it, to just trust God to help us make good decisions and let us know when it's His time to move and do something new. I can say with certainty I feel His hand on it; every time I doubt that, God provides evidence to ease my fears.  And we're both learning new lessons as we go: healing from the past, a little dreaming about what could be the future, sometimes reminding each other to keep it in today.

So, if I actually get busy and start keeping up with this blog again, the tall guy who keeps showing up? That's Tommy.

Be nice. I kinda like this one.

Someone...

Facebook is an interesting thing. Different people follow different rules of Facebook friendship. I make sure I have a connection before I accept a request, but sometimes those connections weren't born in a close relationship pre-Facebook.

My next older and younger sisters are within 14 months of me on either side. My older sister and I were in the same grade. While we had different friends growing up, we were also something of a package deal; if you're a good friend to one of us you're a friend to all three. My older sister doesn't have a Facebook account; my younger one rarely checks hers. Many of their friends "friended" me in an effort to check on them... and so it was with that guy from high school, Tommy.

Three years ago Tommy sent me a friend request and then a note asking how Jeannie was doing, saying he noticed that he and I commented on a lot of the same posts from mutual friends. I remembered who he was... the guy with the jean jacket who bounced down the halls at school. I replied that I had noticed the similar comments, and did the traditional page creep: married, kids, working in sales... I noticed he seemed very devoted to his family. We got in touch one more time in March of 2014 when I noticed he had some phones for sale. 

He was one of those fringe Facebook friends: you "kind-of" know how their life is going; you "like" and laugh at their jokes; you don't know their day-to-day, but sometimes notice a big life change. That came in the fall of last year. I noticed some unhappy posts and the relationship change (divorced). I remember being surprised because he had seemed so devoted. Some of his posts seemed so sad, I kinda hoped from my "distance" that things would work out. Over time he appeared to be moving forward.. spring time brought new pictures with a new girl... life goes on.

Then one Friday night in early July I was scrolling Facebook and saw a post he made about his memories of his five year-old daughter; she died in a car accident 14 years ago. I messaged him just to say I didn't know he had gone through such a loss and to offer my condolences. My phone dinged about an hour later with his response. He shared he had not only lost his daughter, but his wife at the time as well. He and his son (6 at the time) had spent the next few months in a rehabilitation hospital.

For the next two hours we messaged back and forth, mostly about our experiences; with grief, with faith gained and with faith lost. Others can offer condolences, but there's a unique bond with people who've experienced these kinds of losses. Tommy says we understand what other people just don't. I remember thinking, in spite of the subject, he was pretty funny, and I knew then we'd end up being close friends. I wasn't quite picking up on how close.

The next day as I was finishing supper and checking Facebook, this message came through:

All-righy then!

So since I was already online, I answered:

And then:

Tommy still swears he wasn't lying... but he was.

And we were off to the races again, talking about everything under the sun.

Part 3 coming soon!

Catching up... (and then, God sent..)

Achoo! 

Boy the dust collects around here when I've been gone too long. The past nine months have flown by. But it's been so long since I've been here, maybe I need to review things I've already told you.

Remember back in May 2010  when I said I was afraid I'd quit blogging when I became a counselor? Um, didn't mean for that to happen. Still wary of having a client find this, but not so much that I won't come out and say what I do anymore: I work with people with substance abuse issues. I counsel primarily from a 12 step perspective. Learning the steps and principles, and working to LIVE them, has made a profound difference in my life. My clients are some of the finest people I know, and I learn from them every day.

And remember in April 2011 when I announced I was ready to start dating again? Hoo boy... And all the vague/not vague references to Kirk? (too many links, you'd have to search him). I didn't even tell you guys most of what went on because I knew it wasn't healthy. I cant blame him entirely, I found uglier sides of me in whatever-that-was. Even though the (relationship? odd attachment? delusion?) primarily consisted of long-distance phone calls, it took me forever to set that boundary... then reset it... then reset it again after I allowed him to cross it yet again. God finally brought someone else into his life last October; his "need" for me ended.

I had been gaining weight; I gained all the weight I lost with Weight Watchers back. The idea of being attractive to someone seemed far-fetched; even more far-fetched was the idea I could be attracted to anyone. I  got okay with that, however. I had important things to concern myself with: the recovery journeys of my clients, my own children's lives, focusing on changing the one thing I could change: myself and what I needed to do to be the best counselor, mother and friend I could be. I found my own counselor and went to work on myself.

Page 68 in the AA Big Book says, "We are in the world to play the role He assigns. Just to the extent that we do as we believe He would have us, and humbly rely on Him, does he enable us to match calamity with serenity." I tried to apply that every day. Things starting working again. My serenity was returning.

Then, one night this past July...

to be continued