Shhh! It's a secret!

Lucky readers! (All 8 of you!) Another blog!

The circumstance for this post? The stars have finally aligned just right: the girls aren't home and I have homework I should be doing.

I've felt a bit like a phony. TLC says in her blog how she admires my bravery in that I put so much of myself "out there," but I've been avoiding writing so I could keep some things to myself. So, today I'll be disclosing something I've debated for some time. Shhh, I'm getting ready to tell you a secret:

I think I'm ready to date again.

There.

I said it.

In print.

It must be so.

Did I tell you guys about my foray into dating way back? I bet I didn't.

I've had something of a hang-up about admitting to any interest in the opposite sex. Despite my bravado in my "About Me" about trying to get away from the title "Deat's Widow," I clung to it. Deat was the greatest guy I ever knew, and I was extremely proud of being his wife. Admitting I wanted to get "out there" again equated to further relinquishing that part of my identity... it was too hard... and somehow, I was afraid I'd be seen as disloyal. Now, it's been 3 years, I think it's okay.

Anyway, on to my forays:

About a year after Deat died I ran into an old friend from high school, one I happened to have had a pretty big crush on back in the day. Darrin is one of the sweetest people I know, a gentleman, considerate, and he always wears the most infectious smile.

We went out a couple times. At the end of the second date, he looked at me with that sweet Darrin-grin, and said, "Kelly, honey, you ain't ready to date."

I was disappointed, but I think because I mostly just wanted a distraction from all the hurt I still felt.

More recently, I sort-of had a (hmm), semi-romantic "thing" going with a guy from way back in my past from about July to February. Very complicated. Mostly over the phone, so I called it "safe." "Kirk" and I have a long history of "near misses" in our relationship over time, from as far back as 1993.

Rational-me can't stand him; dreamer-me is crazy about him. Let's just say "Kirk" isn't on a similar life track. Hell, he's not even on the same mode of transportation. I told myself this "thing" was a good distraction from the "real" stresses in my life. I told myself I wasn't emotionally invested. But, okay, yeah, I was. Still am a little bit. I learned that a great deal of Kirk's and my attraction for one another is about who each of us "imagine" one another to be, rather than who each of us actually are. Needless to say, missed again.

Then there's my friend, Kelly. (Yeah, he has the same name as me. I'll try to write so you can tell us apart. If you get confused, he's the one wearing the Braves hat.)

Kelly and I used to work for the same company, and he was actually my boss for a brief time. We found each other again on "LinkedIn" back in August and just started chatting, texting, calling each other. Strictly platonic... besides, he lives in 5 1/2 hours away, how safe is that?

He was going through a rough time, and we shared a lot. Kelly is someone I really respect. We ran scenarios from our lives by each other for comment. A lot of our conversations revolved around the both of us being "relationship challenged." (He thought the whole thing with Kirk was ridiculous, and kept telling me I needed to quit hiding and get "out there.")

Then one day, Kelly (gasp!) flirted with me! Completely innocent, but it made me think. It brought about the beginning of the end in Kirk's and my latest "near-miss." Here was someone much closer to my own set of concerns, values, priorities... and he was expressing that maybe I was attractive? Whoa. (Not to mention, he's cute as a bug's ear.) And in terms of our conversations, flirting with me was kind of a major step for Kelly, a change I think he was looking for in himself.

BUT: then he met someone there. And man, I wanted to dislike her, to pick her apart and find things wrong with her, but I can't. This relationship, so far, seems to be really good for Kelly for lots of reasons. For a little while I resented that I wasn't getting all the attention I had been, that he didn't "need" my friendship as much. I took a week or so to pout about it, then things went back to normal. We're still friends, I worked through my "abandonment" issues... Besides, if we got together and got married someday, how would we ever know whose mail was whose?

So anyway, back to me, here, now. I'm at least more open to the idea of getting out there. (Not that I'm fighting suitors off or anything.) But, I think I was very likely sending out signals that I wasn't interested in the idea whether I meant to or not. Maybe now that I'm more open to it I will meet someone or maybe even go out with someone I already know... who knows? .

I may even tell you guys about it.

To be continued...