I Got My Chance, and I Said Those Things... Still...

I started a new job yesterday. I'm pleased about it... my first REAL position after grad-school and licensure and all that... I'll share more with you about it after I get more settled.

This morning I drove down to our B-burg office. The weather was beautiful on that twisty little trail, with the sun peeking though the trees. I drove that road fairly often in the "before" days, before I left sales, before I lost my drive to sell, before the whole world changed. I smiled, remembering.

Then, this song came through the radio. Actually a pretty good driving/singing song:

Stop reading, just listen a minute, please.

I love this song. I sang along.

Then I remembered: I could never get through it without tears. I've tried four times today... still can't.

I don't know when the song actually came out. I first took note of it about 6 months after Deat's death.

Did I say...

It isn't even appropriate; I've always been comforted in knowing we  had nothing left unsaid.

Maybe its the futility of those words now. Did I say... Maybe it's that I'll never get to say them to him again... Did I say... though when I hear them in the song they're just as true now as they ever were.

Did I say...

I certainly didn't expect the song to impact me that way, today. It's been almost five years.

Maybe for all my bravado about starting to date, part of me still scowls, and sees futility in that: I know what combination of traits once brought me joy and met my needs, is it possible that different one could even begin to come close?

I don't know. Hiding out at home hasn't done much for me. We'll see.

But I sure do miss the one I had.

Perhaps I just needed to know, or just say out loud, that I always will.