Funny thing happened on the way

past the 2 year mark/2nd of Deat's birthdays since his death...

I started feeling a weight lift. I started WANTING to work on accomplishing something for myself again. I really started seeing myself as somebody "other" than just Deat's widow. I know, I say that in my bio... but lately I've started really feeling it.

I know some of it was simply passing these milestones. It's hard to describe. I also think a great deal of it changed after a really rough "practice" group therapy session for class a couple weeks ago. I had to view myself in a pretty harsh light and I didn't much like what was being reflected back to me.

Somehow, I also think I can attribute part of it to completing my first class (It was "Group Counseling Techniques") toward my masters' tonight. My master's, that I decided, by myself, (okay, with a big ole push from above) to pursue.

I really wish I could fully describe it. For the first time, I'm spending more mental energy looking forward and less looking back... and it doesn't feel like something I have to WORK at. It doesn't feel disloyal anymore. I suppose some of that came from, as I mentioned before, deciding a couple days ago that Deat would have chastised me for making a big deal out his death date as a morbid thing to do, and probably would have insisted that I not do as much as I did. (see February 23 post)

But, I did cheat and do one more thing... I learned I've picked up a couple readers who don't actually know me (how exciting!) and one of them asked me what happened. Rather than even try to condense that incredibly long story, I copied the file that had all the "update" emails from his illness into a new blog, "What Happened." (Okay, so I was fresh out of catchy titles)

Maybe that seems like more dwelling, but somehow, to me, it felt like another step toward closure.

Will I still talk about Deat and about widow issues? Well, uh, yeah. Kinda hard to erase 17 years of my life... and I wouldn't want to if I could. This journey was/is part of who I am today.

It's just that as of recently, it's doesn't feel like the only part.



Note: Just now as I was reading what I thought was final edit, it just so happened that "Send Me On My Way" started playing. (#173, second from the last on the player on the right as of this writing) came on. Turn it on, it fits this post perfectly.

An Exerpt from a Cat's Diary

Deat would have been 35 today, so over on Facebook I posted this. (Don't forget to pause the player on the right so you can hear it)

Happy Birthday Buddy. You always made me laugh.

This is a spot that Deat and Trevor recorded while Deat was at WWEL. Trevor is doing the intro, Deat is the cat. I wanted to only upload the sound, but since FB won't upload mp3 files, I had to make a movie. I included the pic from WYMT on the first few seconds, b/c that's how Deat looked when he was announcing, but I only left it up for a few seconds because it's funnier if you just listen...

Today, 2 years later

It was two years ago today that God released Deat from that horrible illness. I've been flip-flopping for 2 days about what to do about today, about what to write... should I recap the last 2 years?

Um, no. Not tonight. I actually made a point today NOT to mention what today was to the outside world, at least not until now. I didn't want a bunch of those old sad looks. P.D. asked me this morning if we were going to do anything special, I told her I had thought about it, and I didn't think her Daddy would want us to. (I actually think he would find that morbid.) I think she was relieved.

Besides, I've lived those last moments, that day, that night, over and over. Deat wouldn't want me to do it again... I'm sure I will at some point, accidentally even, but I'm not doing it on purpose. I may do a sort of recap sometime the coming weeks, but not tonight.

So, here's a weird disjointed collection of things I wanted to talk about:

1. I did do a couple things today. I called Jack at the jail (Deat's old boss). He's not running for re-election, so I wanted his take on who's running. We had a nice little chat, but he was too busy to talk about it much. I also called Todd, a dear friend and deputy at the jail who has since been moved to the night shift. I cannot say enough about how much these two people (and everyone at the jail, really) did for us during Deat's illness. I am forever grateful and love them both. And Todd, well he always makes me laugh. Todd can make griping about something the funniest thing you ever heard.

2. Right turn, Clyde. (If you don't get the reference, you obviously didn't get dragged to the drive-in to see Clint Eastwood in the late 70's like I did. Anyway, for my purposes it's just a warning that I'm switching gears)

3. Yesterday, B.B. looked at P.D. and said "Sissy, you're an asshole" This is a problem... mostly because it's so funny to hear her say it, it's hard to correct her properly, and partly because it's my fault.

Me: B.B., (trying so hard to keep the giggles to a minimum) honey, you can't say that, that's a bad word

B.B.: You called Mr. Dowell an asshole.

(Yes, same Mr. Dowell, you know I really like you when I start calling you names. At this point I lost it and laughed. I'm a really bad mother!)

4. I don't remember whether it was Tina or Sabrina who gave me the Gourmet Mint Chocolate Truffle hot chocolate that I've been avoiding... but I had a cup tonight and whichever one of you it was, I love you to distraction. As for the other one; no, I won't be sharing.

5. Tonight as I was looking up something on my computer, B.B. sat down on the corner of my bed (My desk sits right beside it... I gotta finish the basement at some point and get this thing out of my room!) got my comb and started combing my hair. "Momma, look at the bathroom, look out the window. (When I comb her hair, to get her to turn the way I need her to, I tell her what to look at. "Look in the mirror, baby, look out the bathroom door... ) I had no idea that having someone comb your hair for you felt so good. And it was just a great moment. Little does she know, she'll be stuck with this chore for life...

6. And we have lots of great moments. Earlier tonight it was while the girls were unloading the dishwasher, (B.B. does the silverware, P.D. everything else) then sitting down together for supper. P.D. was just chattering away about this and that. After B.B. finished my hair, she and P.D. were playing some make-believe game together.... I hope someday B.B. realizes how lucky she got in the big sister department. We're a pretty cool little team, we three girls.

So there, I blogged. Onward through this life we go...

It's Almost the Two-Year Mark

And what a journey it's been so far. May I say the learning curve has been much longer than I imagined?

P.D. asked me question yesterday that threw me for a loop.

"Mama, did you love Daddy?"

"What? Yes, more than anything in the whole world! Why would you ask me that?"

"Well, I hear you say that he was your best friend, I never hear you say that you loved him."

"You don't remember? Daddy and I always kissed each other hello and goodbye... we constantly told each other we loved each other."

"No, not really I don't."

Wow. You really never know what they know and don't know. I had to remind myself, P.D. was only six... he's been gone for almost a 1/4 of her whole life. She remembers special things he did and said, but what he was like, day-to-day, eludes her. B.B. doesn't remember him at all.

The one thing, perhaps the only thing I've been consistent about in the past 2 years is my concern for my girls' feelings in all this. I've made a special point to give them as much information about their Daddy as I can, and to preserve anything that might give them any inkling about who he was for when they're older. I read books, talked to therapists, and I really thought I had THAT PART of this life covered.

"Everything else can fall apart, as long as I handle this well, I'm okay." I will say, I am pleased that P.D. felt she could ask... I did something right.

Today, P.D. and I practiced her lines for a play she's in... "The Four Presidents" at The Gusto Theatre here in L-town. God bless Mr. Dowell, he gave P.D. a part as one of the reporters, knowing her Daddy had been one.

I really enjoyed giving her tips on how to deliver her lines. It gave me the perfect opportunity to tell her how much I loved hearing her Daddy on the air, and how beautiful I thought his voice was. Yet another lesson learned, thank you God for the chance to immediately act on it.

Along the same lines, if you knew Deat, (Jerry), and you haven't already, please take a few minutes and go to the guestbook on his memorial website, and share a little about him, especially any good stories you may have. You can SAY how great he was, but a story will SHOW it.

I think it will mean so much to the girls to read about their Daddy and what he was like from all sorts of angles. Also, if you know other people who knew Deat, (especially those that I may not know) please, pass the site along. You have no idea what a gift you'll be giving my girls, and therefore, me.