New Site... Together We Can Grow a Garden

Amy "Sweetness" Matalka

Okay, FIRST go here: http://plantasimpleseed.blogspot.com/ and then come back.

I was sent a link to this site earlier tonight. It's pretty self-explanatory, but,  in case you miss this message in the comments, I'm including it here:

To get cards, send an email to Marygina@fuse.net... we are working on a PDF download which will be added to this page soon!

Readers, followers, blogger buddies, get on board, please. Send that email. Post it on your sites. Pass it on.

Aaaaah! and Texting with the MC

Okay, all of you who encouraged me and said I could do this grad school thing and be a single mom and hold a job/manage an internship: WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!!!!

If you're guilty of this, please raise your hand...

(Looking up seeing hand) Oh, this was originally MY idea wasn't it? (Well, sort of)

I have 4 baskets of clean laundry still waiting to be folded... (Okay, so that's not really new).

I have a new shower curtain somewhere in this mess that once resembled our living space... if I could find it to put it up...

I have a passel of car-wash supplies I bought 2 weeks ago (not to mention a gently used wet/dry vac Daddy gave me 3 weeks ago) hoping I'd find an 2-hour window in which to attack Kermit...

My hair is longer than it's ever been... not because I want it long but because I can't find time to get it cut.

I have SERIOUS grad-school Senioritis...

I have children who are starting to forget what I look like...

Hopefully,  I'll remedy some of that this weekend. Then... between Monday, August 22 and Thanksgiving I'll have two (count them, 1, 2) of  sixteen weekends off until Thanksgiving. I will have eight (count them, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 6, 7, and 8) internship classes to attend from 6-9 pm on every other Thursday night. I will have clinic on Tuesdays, which means no getting home before 7 pm  on seventeen (count them 1, 2, 3... oh nevermind) Tuesdays in that period. Oh, and that doesn't even touch the HOMEWORK I'll be doing, the tests I'll have to take.

But then, I'll be DONE. At least with THIS chapter's struggles. MAN I want a cigarette, but I'm 3 months, 2 weeks and 11 hours smoke-free, so I can't even do THAT!!!

Speaking of done, I'm wrapping up this semester's paperwork this week. Part of that is my evaluation of the Master Counselor, (the MC) then his evaluation of me. As you may have guessed, every now and then, I have to remind Mr. OCD to take a breath to avoid a freak-out. Last night, I had class at 6, but 5:50 I hadn't heard from my babysitter and had to call for backup... knowing class had already begun while I waited. No pressure. To amuse myself, I texted the MC.

Me: What's that I'm always telling you to do? Breathe?

MC: Yes, what's up?

Me: Babysitter didn't show. Waiting for backup... I'm okay... Just not breathing. :-/

Later, in internship class, I got his reply:

MC: S--t happens! (yes, he put the dashes in... sometimes he chooses to show a semblence of tact)

Me: Be nice to me. I'm evaluating you as we speak.

MC: Ya but don't forget, I play a role role in your FINAL grade.

Me: Look here you old coot, you should be looking for grade HIGHER than an A to give to me for putting up with your S--t!

(Okay, so I didn't really send that last one, but I WANTED to.)

Cussing and Conversating* with Cap

Okay, one of the things I've debated in writing my blog is the cuss-factor. I went for years without saying a cuss word. I grew up around cussing, so in a way it's part of how I learned to communicate. (You like how I rationalized that, don't you?)

Facebook put me back in touch with many old friends... friends who knew me when I cussed like a sailor... and I found cussing creeping back into my vocabulary. I rarely cuss in my blog, (I won't say never, because as soon as I do someone will point out at least 3 examples, and I can think of some). I try to keep it pretty clean in the blog because most of the traffic here comes from Facebook and I have my theatre babies, nieces, nephews and cousins in my friend lists. On a rare occasion, a story or exchange is just funnier with a cuss-word in it. It just is. 

I say all that to say this: the upcoming link includes cussing. I would say all kinds of nice things about making blog friends, but Cap said it for me. And maybe since I'm directing you to it, I'll learn not to be so horrified that she posted it.... 

Cap's Betrayal

* "Conversating" is a word from Cap's blog. 

Cheat Post

Besides internally debating whether to tell you people about the topic-I-say-I-am-avoiding, I've also been busy working on the "Book of Me" for my Life-cycle Class. I have different assignments for different pages of the book.

I am NOT creative in visual arts. I wish I was. In fact, I wished SO HARD that I was, my journalism degree has a emphasis in advertising and PR... I designed ads for much of the early part of my after-college career. I'm pretty good at figuring out how to use publishing software. I know what I like when I see it. I can create a decent logo and "thematic plan" for company stationery. I can re-create what I see with the right tools, but creating visual magnificence in my own?

Uh, not really.

So, this assignment has been taxing to say the least. I want my stuff to be phenomenal... but the grade doesn't require visual phenomenal. I don't think I'm capable of visual phenomenal anyway. I settled for quick and dirty.

However, I think Dr. A has been sufficiently impressed at my ability to accomplish the unstated goals, while effectively rebelling against the stated parameters, of each and every assignment. Mostly 'cause I'm just charming enough to get by with it. If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle 'em....*

Anyway, since I've been so busy with that stuff, I'm cheating tonight and posting the first assignment, The "Now" of my Life. The assignment (the abbreviated version) was:

Get a recent picture of yourself. Glue it to the center of the memory-book paper. Cut out symbols from the magazines and catalogs to describe:

• Your greatest achievement 
• A disappointment 
• Your values 
• Relationships that are important for you today 
• Hobbies 
• A wish or wishes for the future **

Glue these symbols around your picture. Try NOT to cut out words,*** because symbols can be more graphic. Once you have your collage, use your writing paper to describe what the symbols mean. Write a summary about yourself as you are today.

(When you read the write up, you have to pretend you don't really know me and haven't read How Widowhood Has Impacted My Life a million times, K? K.)

The phrases correspond to the bold type in the write up.
If you click on the picture it will blow it up. I recommend right-clicking
and opening in another tab or window.

The Now of My Life

As I expected, I had a great deal of difficulty finding “symbols” to represent my life. The assignment specified to try to use symbols instead of words, but no pictures I found seemed to reflect my current experiences, values and mindset. Besides, I love to write, I love words.

Although I don’t expect I will see myself as “Deat’s Widow” forever, our marriage, and his life has been the most relevant factor influencing every aspect of my world during the past 13 years. I know his death and the changes it brought continued to impact nearly every facet of the past 3 and ½, as is reflected in the choices I made for this page. 

We start this page in the top right corner, and move clockwise.

The most important of these is the be well, the theme to recovering from this loss, particularly since I often wondered if “well” was something I’d ever be again. My “little problem solvers” are my daughters, and my motivators when I wasn’t finding motivation in any other realm, when I was “hitting myself in the head.” The three of us were/are: “THE BRAVE,” standing together in the face of a devastating loss and facing the world together. Oh, and we are “Incredibly Nice.”

Still, motivation wasn’t enough. Merely surviving wasn’t enough. Depression and sadness was a dead end. I had to set a goal for the future: to get organized, to find joy in the family life I have instead of lamenting the one we had planned but were denied. Perhaps the most empowering step in that process was making the decision to return to school for my master’s degree.

Our life changes still present challenges, and sometimes not everyone in the house is on board with the sacrifices we have to make to get to this new place… sometimes Mommy’s Little Monster rears her little head. But, Life LIVES in our house. Between the positive changes we’re making, our old friends and the new friends who have come into our lives, I have to say, 

I’m Blessed.

* Five extra points for finishing that phrase

** Ten points for finding every one of those things in the write up. (Hurry, I have to tell Dr. A where they are!)
*** I never have excelled in the "follows directions" column of my report card...

Where Was I?

Where've I been? Indecisiveville!

Luckily, I wasn't driving Kermit to get there. I drove the MC in Kermit to lunch earlier today... (Yaaay! Lunch is primo MC-brain-picking time.) I asked the MC about a sound Kermit was making and he listed a couple things it could be, stressing that I needed to get it checked out soon.

Where was I? Yes, Indecisiveville. (And apparently A.D.D.-ville as well... ahem!)

I wasn't sure what I thought, how I felt, what I should do about several different issues... and I wasn't even sure how to put those things into words. I still don't know, but at least I don't feel as lost as I did.

As some of you know The Gusto Theatre managed to put on 2 more shows after the one they originally planned to end with. The final show was this past Sunday, but I had to be out of town. I felt horrible that I wasn't there with my Theatre Babies. In the days leading up to that final show and each day since, I've felt I needed to write something earth-shatteringly touching and special, just to honor my love for each and every one one of them. 

Tonight though, thinking it over, I don't think I could write anything wonderful enough to live up to my love for them. I know, they know. My hope for them is one they'll recognize, a favorite quote of Mr. Dowell's.... 

In the words of Theodore Roosevelt (who will in my mind, will forever sound a lot like our beloved Jonathan): 

Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those timid spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat.

I read that again, and it kind of/sort of segues me right back into talking about working with the Master Counselor. For the last couple weeks, I've been wondering whether I would continue to intern with him next semester. It's not that I wanted to leave, I wasn't sure that he wanted me to stay.

As I've said before, the program he's developed is pretty amazing... and his passion for helping the population he serves is undeniably infectious. However, as I've also said before, he can be very gruff... in some ways easy to read but in others, not so much. Several pow-wows later, and I still don't want to leave, gruff though he may be. He puts himself out there, really doing something to help, and I can't help to want to be a part of that in whatever way I can be. God isn't showing me indications that I should leave, so until HE says it's time to go, I'll stay.

Later this afternoon I had a major screw up... something I couldn't help, but in a moment of OCD panic, the MC called me on the carpet. I listened with complete calm as he said his piece, turned on his heel and disappeared into his office. My typical MO in previous years, heck even recent months, in such a situation would have been to become overwhelmed and then to burst into tears. Today however, I didn't bat an eye. Later, when he called me in to discuss it, he was completely fair with me and understood completely the choices I had made and that in the process of learning I was bound to make mistakes. I've pondered if my calm came from simply moving out of my depression recently, if it showed growth on my part (some of it due to his example), or if it was simply from knowing that he WOULD be fair with me as soon as he calmed down. We have a good working relationship, an acceptance of one another, warts and all. And that's worth sticking around for.

Finally, I've been debating how much to share with you all about some other issues in my life. Cap says I should, but Cap is braver than me. I'm not sure what you'll think, I'm not sure if I'll look silly. (You know it's major if I'm CONCERNED about looking silly).Then again, this-topic-I-say-I-am-avoiding could be nothing at all but a cheap ploy to get you to come back hoping I'll spill my guts. Tune in next time...

I think I'll just wait until something in that situation happens that is so funny that I'll have to share it with you guys for the cheap laugh. I'll do anything for the cheap laugh.

Oh, I'm sure there's more I could write, but I have to get up in the morning to take Kermit to the dealership to get him checked out. Halfway home this afternoon, the MC called to remind me that I needed to go SOON. :) He won't admit it, but he likes working with me, too.

A Good Reminder

Sorry I haven't been around... tons going on and I really haven't come to any logical conclusions as to how I feel about much of it... so I've been debating and hiating (the verb form or hiatus... I just made that up! I think...) with myself.

In the interim, however, I figured I'd better put SOMETHING up to entertain. Actually, for this link, I think "uplifted" is a better description to how I felt when I read it. Enjoy:

http://www.wkyt.com/blogs/sanctified/Living_in_the_Margin_124286624.html

Tidying Up

Sigh...

The world encroaches yet again on my imaginary playground...

I knew this day was coming, but I didn't expect it to be so soon. Early on in my schooling for counseling, I learned that I'd have to be very private about my private life. I realized  that I'd have to "fix" my blog. I just didn't expect it would be so soon. I didn't realize it would be so easy to "stumble" across it.

Someone ran a search using bare facts about me... and found it lickety-split. I'm not angry with the searcher, I would have been curious, too. I just didn't realize I'd be found so easily... even without my last name. I've removed my last name, and I'm undergoing the painstaking process of finding every instance with the girls' names and changing those. You'll find their identifiers in "Peeps"... sigh.

"P.D." hates her new name, and I don't blame her. I hate that I have to change it, that's not the name I gave her. Although part of me still feels that people are basically good and doesn't think anyone would use the information here against me... it's not my place to be so trusting. My job is to err on the side of caution in any matter that could impact my babies.

I'm wondering if I should change the name of the town I live in, or my hometown, or Deat's hometown. They're all three pretty small places.   I want to complain some more, but I have to get back at it.

Please pardon the mess while we undergo reconstruction.

A Distraction Beats Flowers... No Contest

I'm not sure how to write about this, how to handle it in the best way, but I have to try.

A blogger friend of mine's mother went into the hospital yesterday. It's easy to tell from her writing that she and her mom share a wonderful relationship... heck, I love her mother and I've only read about her. Her mom has had several health problems in the last couple years... and I could "read" the fear in my friend's "voice" in yesterday's post. I hurt for her, because I remember.

I remember what it was like to watch the physical deterioration of someone you love and feel powerless to do anything about it. I remember the second-guessing you put yourself through, only wanting the very best for this person, a person you love so much you'd trade places with in a minute because their well-being is THAT important to you. I remember the anger you feel at anyone else involved in their care because they just aren't doing ENOUGH... don't they know how important this is? I remember the LONG stretches of time in the hospital, just waiting, waiting to see what's coming... hoping upon hope it won't be the worst. 

I remember trying to read to break up the time... to try to find something, anything to be a distraction from what this hospital stay COULD mean. And I remember being unable to focus long enough to even get through first chapter of the book I bought the day of his first hospitalization... even though I tried during each of his five hospital stays. (I didn't actually read it until over a year after he died).

So, I thought to myself, what did I WANT people to do? I wanted them to distract me. I wanted them to show the customary concern for what was happening, then I wanted them to talk about ANYTHING else. Walk me to the cafeteria for a snack or some dinner. Engage me in anything that gave me a few brief minutes when I could think about something else... especially something that would make me laugh. Either that or just LISTEN to me talk about what was happening, out loud, to help me get a handle on it.

Unfortunately, that didn't happen very often. I don't BLAME anyone or feel resentment that more people didn't provide that at all, how would anyone know? I didn't know how to ASK for that, and at the time, with my mind so full of other things, it really didn't occur to me TO ask for it. Make no mistake... I had more than my share of blessings from our friends and family during Deat's illness, and I'm sure many people were afraid that coming to the hospital or calling me on my cell would be akin to intrusion during a difficult time... but it would have been welcome.

I wish I could offer my friend lunch in the cafeteria, but she's too far away. I can't do that, so I'm trying to send her simple notes with some goofy spin to try to make her smile. I don't know if it's helping, but I know she appreciates my small effort, and that means a lot to me.

 I just thought tonight, this would be a good opportunity to tell folks in case you know someone who could sure use the distraction, now, or in the near future. Don't wait for him or her to ask. Just call and offer, or just stop by the hospital... if it's not something your friend would want, he or she can let you know. But if it IS something he or she would want, I'll betcha he or she, like me, just doesn't know how to ask.

A Free E

Still reading old posts from Capricorn Cringe... (The Friggin' Cat House in my blog list) still ignoring the laundry pile. I keep thinking if I ignore it, it will suddenly go away...

Anyway, came across one where she had accidentally added an E on her cousin's name, so I thought I'd tell you my E story...

My first name was (is) Anne, with an "e". (ex: Anne Kelly Maiden) My best friend throughout childhood and beyond is Ann, with no "e". So, at some point, while I was in elementary school, I asked Daddy why my Anne had an "e" but Ann's name didn't have one.

"You want the truth?"

"Well, yes sir."

"When you were born, that nurse asked me, 'Lafayette, does this Ann(e) have an "e" on it or not? I said, 'Does it cost anything to put an "e" on there?' She said, 'no' so I said 'Well give 'er all she can have then!'"

There was an "e" on my Anne because it didn't cost extra...

When I got married, I dropped "Anne", my first name, the name I didn't use. Having a first name that I didn't use just made my mail confusing anyway.  I wanted to keep my maiden name, but I'm not into hyphens, so I made my maiden name my middle name. (Kelly Maiden Married)

A few years after we moved to L-town, Daddy had to send me something in the mail. I was surprised to see an envelope addressed in his handwriting, instead of my mother's. It was made out to Mrs. Kelley Maiden Married... with an arrow pointing to the underlined "e".

Above the arrow, was a note: FREE "E"!

Daddy just wanted to make sure, even after my marriage and name change, I still got the full benefit of my free "e". Daddy always looks out for me.

Bringing the MC into 2010(1) and Texting with Kelly

I've tried to present the Master Counselor in the best light because 1. I'm grateful for my job and 2. I genuinely like the MC.

I've told you he's OCD. I've told you he's intimidating at times... so what I've hinted at, but I haven't really come out and said is, 1. He's WAY set in his ways, 2. He can be a major grouch if things don't go the way he wants them to or the way he thinks they should, PARTICULARLY technology-related tasks. Luckily, (and in his defense) he CAN laugh at himself and he's also very self-aware and would freely admit to these flaws. (Um, I think. Yeah, he would, 'cause he really could give a rat's hind-end what you think of him.)

Anyway, the forms overhaul...  I set up headers (logos, if you will) for both the satellite office and the main practice. I also set up footers for both. The MC was smart enough to save all his forms in rich text format so they'd open anywhere... and I could easily edit them from my machine. Unfortunately, he was also running his documents out of Word '03... and Word '03 didn't feature the font I used to set up the main office logo... not to mention I didn't have a clue as to how to add the headers and footers to his header/footer template library so he wouldn't have to copy/paste everything from other documents. So I casually mentioned on Wednesday that he really should upgrade, that it would be so much better... Note CASUALLY.

This morning I came in early, and the MC had a client in his office so I had to hang out in the front office for a bit. Lee* comes in on Friday mornings to clean, so I chatted with her while I waited. She casually mentioned that he had been frustrated when he came in this morning because he bought and loaded Word 2010 and couldn't get any of his non-.rtf files to open. I started (jokingly) packing up my things.

Lee: where are you going?
Me: I'm getting out of here before he gets out of that session!
Lee: Wha?
Me: It was MY IDEA for him to upgrade!
Lee: Oh man!
Me: He will kill me. It won't be pretty.
Lee: It might not be too bad, he didn't sound too evil when he said your name earlier...

Luckily I had some time to research the problem and print out "fixes" before his session ended. And true to type, he made a beeline for me as soon as his client left. I held up my printed research like a shield. I went to his computer, opened Word 10 and opened a file... no problem.

MC: How'd you do that?
Me: Through Word
MC: I want to open them the way I've always opened them! Can't you make them do THAT?
Me: Grumble...

Unfortunately, I couldn't get the "open with" command to work... not even by browsing for Word 10. I ended up calling technical support, and spent an hour on the phone with "Steve" who had to take over the computer and spend another hour or so  fixing it.

MC: (Watching) Why can't you do that? Why did you have to let someone overseas do it? You're the guru.
Me: He's fixing the registry. I appreciate your confidence, but registry issues are above my pay grade. They make the top of my head blow clean off.

That seemed to satisfy him... but he latched on to "above my pay grade" and I suspect anything he thinks I can't do will be "above my pay grade" for the next few weeks. It's okay, I've proved him wrong before... ;-)

It's Friday night. (Well, technically it's early Saturday morning, but I wanted to get this done before... well, I'll add that at the end. I got a text from Kelly earlier:

Kelly: You up?
Me: Yes... on a date.
Kelly: Cool. I'll not interrupt.
Me: Oh, you're not. It's with 2 guys... Ben & Jerry.
Kelly: Smh...


As for why I had to get this done... well I won't be near a computer for a couple days. Why? It's in the chorus...**



*not her real name
** don't forget to turn off the player on the right!