But They Don't Fall Down...

Sooo, Weight Watchers

I've debated including this update, because most of you come here via my Facebook page and have already seen this picture:

The picture on the left was taken the first weekend in May, 2012.
The one on the right, the last week in August, 2012

Exciting, right? Except after that, it slooooowwwwwed waaaaay doooown.. I've lost 10 more pounds since then, but I've been fighting with the same 3-4 pounds since November. Sigh. 

I've decided it's because right now, outside, it gets too dark, too early, for me to get out and walk;

it's too cold to drag the girls out with me;

Michelle isn't coming over to walk;...

And, um, I'm lazy.

My other favorite excuse is that I hate shopping and if I lose much more I will have to go, at least to Goodwill, for some "in between clothes"... in between the size I am now and the size I want to be. Why invest real money in clothes you don't plan to stay in, right?

The positives remain: when I add weight back on, it doesn't stay there. Also, I still weigh 10 pounds less than I did BEFORE I quit smoking. Kidding aside, I truly believe when I get my exercise regimen going again I will begin losing more consistently again.

Unless I keep doing stuff like I did tonight. 

Many of you know a little about the Weight Watcher's system. Different foods have different point values, your mission is to try to keep your daily points intake as close as possible to the daily points values assigned to you based on your current height and weight. I started out with 35 points per day, I am now allotted 30. (You get rewarded for success by getting your daily points lowered... it rather seems counter intuitive, like a punishment for victory, doesn't it? I digress.)

Points won't matter, however, if you don't TRACK them. The online tracker even has recipe builder so you can figure out points-values and track your home-cooked recipes before you ever make them. For the first several months, before I took a bite of anything I already had it tracked online.

Most fresh fruits and vegetables are assigned zero points: this offers motivation to include more fruits and vegetables in your daily intake. More fruits and vegetables = healthier lifestyle. That part of the program has really worked for me. My cart at Kroger is already half-full before I ever get out of produce. After some time using the tracker, you begin to figure out how to make better food choices on your own. The problem is getting too cocky...

I've learned to experiment more: I watch for and try lots of different vegetable side dishes with supper. Today I found a recipe for Roasted Brussels Sprouts with Walnuts. Sounds good and healthy, right? No need to track it before supper, I was too busy cooking. The girls didn't like it; I thought it was delicious. So, I proceeded to eat it. All of it. Better than eating more mashed potatoes, right?

Except: 

See those arrows pointing to the FOUR points per serving?
Tonight's recipe made, um FOUR servings

The walnuts helped kill it, but yeah, 16 points worth, over half of the points I'm allowed per day, of Brussels Sprouts.

Destroyed my points for the day.

It's just not fair.

Brussels Sprouts should be NEGATIVE points just for their very nature of BEING Brussels Sprouts*.

If I can just convince my hips of that... 

That's okay though. I may not be moving as fast but I'm still moving forward, wobbling along...

*Okay, I'll fess up, I LOVE Brussels Sprouts. However, nobody else does, so I still contend that they should be negative points.

Instant Gratification

Oooh the cobwebs were even worse this time!

Soooo I took a blog sabbatical (Blobatical?) for various reasons, but now I'm back and hopefully will write/post with some consistency for a bit. The source of my return? Well, that started with Kirk*. Kirk became involved with the Treehouse Poets Series (at the Treehouse Cafe and Bakery, thus the name) and it piqued my interest, so in December I grabbed an old poem and went.

(On a side note, on that first night I went outside to talk with some folks and smoked two Marlboro full-flavor menthol cigarettes while chatting. Yeah, I know. Don't worry, it bit me. I ended up having to go to a gas station and throw up... and it still took me another couple hours before I felt well enough to drive back to L-town. Serves me right, I guess...)


Smoking fiasco aside, I had a good time. Everyone I met was very welcoming; I heard some very talented writers speak, and several made kind comments about my poem as well. I decided I'd go back.

As the date for the next poetry night neared, I realized I was either going to need to go dig old notebooks out of storage or get poetry inspiration and write one quickly to have an offering. I remembered that at the previous get together one author read a sample of his fiction instead of poetry, and it occured to me: I have ALL kinds of samples of my writing RIGHT HERE. So I read blog entries.

A scene from the Treehouse Poets Series #4. Or, in the interest of offering quality entertainment, "Where's Waldo?" only 1. Without Waldo and 2.With me and 3. I'm not wearing the goofy hat. G'head, click the picture.

To introduce the blog and the original theme, I chose to print out and read "Answers" (which, at least, ends on something of  an "up" note) and "One of Those Nights" (which, decidedly, does not). As I finished reading and looked out at the now-somber faces in the crowd, I realized I had made some fairly gut-wrenching selections... and I was the last speaker slated. I hated the idea of the night ending on such a sorrowful note. Luckily, Travis found a couple more readers (both excellent).

The one other issue eating at me was the idea of leaving the audience with the impression that I might still be in the dark place from "One of Those Nights." I had noticed several authors reading from their phones, so called up JKH on my phone and raised my hand to read just one more selection: "Dealing with Frustration in a Therapuetically and Nutritionally Sound Manner".

And suddenly, something magical happened... they were laughing... in all the right places!

What.     a.     Rush.

It was so great, I can't even come up with an appropriately humorous and hyperbolic simile for intoxication to try and illicit the standard appropriately cheap chuckle that should go right here!

Don't get me wrong, I love writing for you people but as I've told you before, I crave your comments, your reactions to what I write. I am now in love with every single person attending the Treehouse Poets Series who offered me those exhilarating morsels of merriment...

Sigh... I believe I'll be "jonesin'" for them until next month!

As I returned to my seat to bask in the joy of the moment, the second part of my motivation for using blog entries happened: someone asked me to repeat my blog address. And someone else. And someone else... And Travis put it on the Treehouse Poets Series Facebook page. I have to write regular posts now, or let them down.

Luckily, I have lots to catch my regular readers (if they come back) up on. I started to do all the catch-ups in one post, but I might need material until the next interesting thing happens... and with all the link jumping, this post is confusing enough!

Thanks Treehouse Poets, you're helping me breathe new life into this old blog!

*Who is Kirk? Kirk is someone better explained after much more alcohol than I plan on ever consuming at one sitting again... :-P

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

Turn and face the strain... (ch-ch-changes...)

Yeah, I know, REALLY original title huh? I actually think one of my other blogger friends used this title before me. There could be two. Then again, a million monkeys on a million typewriters for a million years could also produce my blog... if there's a really warped one in the bunch.

Click to enlarge

As you can see, it's now been 1 year, 4 weeks, 21 hours, 55 minutes and 35 seconds since I quit smoking... (more or less, who keeps track of these things, really? snicker) So, this post is four weeks late. And, truth be told, I've only been off the nicotine gum for a little over two months... (I have to say some self-deprecating stuff before I start bragging some more, right?)

Giving up cigarettes and nicotine altogether has been very liberating for me, boosting my self-confidence in all the right places. Do I miss smoking? Every dang day, if only for a minute or two... some days more than others. It gets easier every time I find something in the house that still bears that tale-tell smell: a smoker lived here. I don't find them as often now... but I do find them.

So, at one year in, I feel pretty confident that my habit is kicked. Recognizing that change helped me feel empowered to start so working on a another change, so about a month ago I added a new computer gizmo to answer to:

Click to enlarge
Pretty neat, huh?

My weight has been out of control for some time... and while I lost the cigarettes in the last year, I gained TWENTY-FIVE more pounds. (Ahem!) Before, I always told myself that Weight Watchers was too expensive. After looking at all the money I was saving by not buying cigarettes on the other gizmo, (over $200 a month) I figured I deserved to treat myself to the expense of this one. (Less than $45 per month, and that includes the cost of the meetings!)

First, there's my superficial reason: many of The Ladies are already doing weight loss/health conscious programs. Tina's lost around 70 pounds, Sabrina's lost over 50, Crystal (my WW compadre!) has lost over 25... I'd be danged if I wanted to be the last fat girl standing! (Not to mention, the pics from our Derby party of me were atrocious. When I look in the mirror, I don't see a fat girl, but by gum that camera sure as heck sees her!) Besides, Heather, Tina, Pennie and Michelle have all been known to run 5Ks! I am determined to waddle behind them for some of those races this year. Who knows, maybe next year I can run them, too.

For a long time I had been telling myself I should be able to manage my weight on my own, that I should be able to just do it by myself and I didn't need guidance. It's kind of hard (not to mention hypocritical) to hold onto that belief after working as drug counselor for however-many months. If everyone should be out whipping their demons on their own, what am I getting paid for?

And besides how could I, in good conscience, sit in front of my clients extolling the power of changing thought processes; telling them that if they don't like something in their lives, they have the power to change it, with me sitting there over 100 pounds overweight? (Yes, you read that right, one hundred. I've been fortunate that until this last 25-30, I've always carried it well)

Another reason I chose Weight Watchers is their gradual process of weight loss. I am expecting the actual weight loss to take 1 1/2 to 2 years. As I tell my clients, lifestyle changes don't happen overnight. There's a slow process including education and retraining the brain involved. I don't want this to be a diet, I want to change the way I view food and the way I take care of myself. Not to mention the ways my daughters view food and take care of themselves. One of the MANY things I want to leave as a legacy to my girls is a healthy lifestyle. Hopefully we're on our way.

How does this fit in with the "New Life" tag?

When Deat died, when I started this blog, I still felt so vulnerable, perhaps even weak. I felt cheated, and scared  of all the changes that came with losing the person I loved most in the world, the person I looked to before I made any major decision. I've often said change is my confirmation of God's sense of humor: He designed us to hate change and then gave us change as the primary constant in our lives.

However, change has been a tool I used to regain my power, my footing in the last 2 1/2 years. A couple of weeks ago, I received my Masters' diploma. I completely changed careers; changed cars; changed health habits; changed the way I view L-town and possibilities that exist here. With each change, I grew a little stronger.

Perhaps that's the difference between the changes we choose and those that "just happen" in our lives. The changes I didn't choose seemed to sap my strength, then the ones I made returned it.

"Look what I did!"

Still, before I go crazy thumping myself on the back, I have to look at each change and mention that I see God's hand in the opportunities presented me, the situations coming together "just so" to facilitate the moves I made... one right after the other, one answered prayer after another. I felt empowered taking the wheel, but obviously, I didn't do ALL of the steering.

So, finally, I thank God for all of it, especially providing a workplace where I can share this part, His part, of the change process, too.

Aaaaah! and Texting with the MC

Okay, all of you who encouraged me and said I could do this grad school thing and be a single mom and hold a job/manage an internship: WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!!!!

If you're guilty of this, please raise your hand...

(Looking up seeing hand) Oh, this was originally MY idea wasn't it? (Well, sort of)

I have 4 baskets of clean laundry still waiting to be folded... (Okay, so that's not really new).

I have a new shower curtain somewhere in this mess that once resembled our living space... if I could find it to put it up...

I have a passel of car-wash supplies I bought 2 weeks ago (not to mention a gently used wet/dry vac Daddy gave me 3 weeks ago) hoping I'd find an 2-hour window in which to attack Kermit...

My hair is longer than it's ever been... not because I want it long but because I can't find time to get it cut.

I have SERIOUS grad-school Senioritis...

I have children who are starting to forget what I look like...

Hopefully,  I'll remedy some of that this weekend. Then... between Monday, August 22 and Thanksgiving I'll have two (count them, 1, 2) of  sixteen weekends off until Thanksgiving. I will have eight (count them, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 6, 7, and 8) internship classes to attend from 6-9 pm on every other Thursday night. I will have clinic on Tuesdays, which means no getting home before 7 pm  on seventeen (count them 1, 2, 3... oh nevermind) Tuesdays in that period. Oh, and that doesn't even touch the HOMEWORK I'll be doing, the tests I'll have to take.

But then, I'll be DONE. At least with THIS chapter's struggles. MAN I want a cigarette, but I'm 3 months, 2 weeks and 11 hours smoke-free, so I can't even do THAT!!!

Speaking of done, I'm wrapping up this semester's paperwork this week. Part of that is my evaluation of the Master Counselor, (the MC) then his evaluation of me. As you may have guessed, every now and then, I have to remind Mr. OCD to take a breath to avoid a freak-out. Last night, I had class at 6, but 5:50 I hadn't heard from my babysitter and had to call for backup... knowing class had already begun while I waited. No pressure. To amuse myself, I texted the MC.

Me: What's that I'm always telling you to do? Breathe?

MC: Yes, what's up?

Me: Babysitter didn't show. Waiting for backup... I'm okay... Just not breathing. :-/

Later, in internship class, I got his reply:

MC: S--t happens! (yes, he put the dashes in... sometimes he chooses to show a semblence of tact)

Me: Be nice to me. I'm evaluating you as we speak.

MC: Ya but don't forget, I play a role role in your FINAL grade.

Me: Look here you old coot, you should be looking for grade HIGHER than an A to give to me for putting up with your S--t!

(Okay, so I didn't really send that last one, but I WANTED to.)

All Fired Up

Annnnd I'm back.

Some brief announcements:

The Master Counselor sends his apologies for not doing anything particularly amusing today to blog about. (Aside from just BEING the MC, which is amusing in and of itself.) This is a balancing act... clients say and do lots of funny things during the day, but I can't blog about them (confidentiality, you know). Luckily, the MC is fair game. Unfortunately, he knows this and has been on best behavior.

Wait, its not particularly funny, but I was the victim of an MC quirk today.... and I managed to go almost all day without any nicotine gum as a (happy?) result.  On satellite-office days, I ride with the MC to work: it's in another town, and he drives right past my street to get there. He told me yesterday he'd be here between 9:15 and 9:30 a.m. to pick me up today. Silly me, I forgot that 9:15 is 8:45 in MC-speak. Actually, I didn't forget, I just hoped I'd be wrong. I was dressed and ready when he got here, but I hadn't stocked my purse with gum yet. I made it through the day fairly well on placebo gum, but I'm on my second piece with nicotine juice since I got home, and I've only been here a couple hours. And Fantasia still plays in my head...

In other news... Remember T.L.C., the one who comments in my posts? You know, the ONE who comments on my posts? (ahem) Anyway, she has a new address for her blog, and I've linked to the new one down in the" Blogs I Follow", so you'll be able to see when she's posted something new, and get there more easily. Our styles are nothing alike, but she posts some insightful stuff, you should check it out when she gets it really up and running. Just sayin'.

The rest:

Oh, and have you guys noticed my playlist has commercials in it now? BOO. Still, I worked on that playlist too long... I'm keeping it.

Now I believe there comes a time when everything just falls in line...

Oops, I was singing aloud wasn't I? (#3 on the player.) Actually very apropos for the REST of what I wanted to write about: 3 years of blogging. Yes, I know my archive says 2, but I have a year's worth of blogs from the previous year posted on that first day here.

As most of you know, this blog began during my first year of widowhood. I look back at some of those posts and almost "see" the cloud that hung over me during that period... even in the cheery posts. I "see" that cloud (in some periods, even darker) over the second year... but I don't "see" that cloud anymore. I'm finally used to presenting "me". I can finally do that without feeling a need to qualify my identity with his. I don't feel a lingering depression that just won't go away... dare I believe, maybe it finally did.

I like getting out of bed in the morning. I look forward to discovering what each day holds again. I look forward to life "as is" instead of "what life was supposed to be." And that's the difference between THIS post and all the "I think I'm better" posts along the way.

However, I will say... when I read over those old posts, especially in the "What Happened" posts before Deat's death, I see a woman who looked to the Lord more for guidance than the woman I see in the mirror does now. And I'm not pleased with that. Luckily, God knows I'm ADD. He keeps revealing to me how those "Oooh, shiny!" moments, the ones that contradict having the courage of my convictions, that send me off-course, could become really painful if I keep following them. He keeps adding people to my life who remind me I need to stay close to Him. New seeds have been planted.

I also find myself being more careful, more selective, about what I say now. I suppose then, it was "more okay" to be vulnerable: I wasn't good at being anything BUT vulnerable. I'm going to try to go back to sharing what's actually in my heart... but for those of you who enjoy it, don't worry, I'll be laughing at the crazy things I observe, too.  I was writing to a new blog friend about the start of JustKellyHere the other day, and I think what I said there sums it all up nicely:

I was much more honest and open in my blog in the first year or two... mostly because dealing with my grief was kind of THE POINT of the blog. Back then, hardly anyone knew it existed...  Writing those posts was very healing for me. I really wasn't sure who "Just Kelly" was... It's interesting to me to go back and read those posts: they're me, but not me. I guess that means I figured it out. And that's kind of the point, too. .  

Go forth and Zumba your little brains out, Pollyanna!

Survival tool

I'm still smoke free. I made it to one month on the second of June, and forgot to celebrate, so I'm doing that now, with a fresh piece of nicotine gum... aaaaahhh.








Observations and Addictive-Thinking Randomness

1. The cigarette is still a much more efficient nicotine delivery system than the gum... you can "dose" yourself much more effectively to your craving. That said, I don't want a cigarette.
    
2. I don't want one because I'm finally out of the "habit" of smoking. I'm still addicted to nicotine, but I'm out of the habit. I have stepped down from 4mg gum to 2mg gum. Smoke-free is an accomplishment, but I have no illusions that my addiction is gone.
   
   
3. The nicotine gum you buy now isn't like the old kind (rubbery and gross). I'm not a huge gum fan, but since it delivers my nicotine, I'm liking it more.
   
   
4. It's interesting that I'm starting this at the same time I'm starting my addictions counseling internship. For example: One of the things you learn when studying addictions is that for the addict, the physical acts surrounding the addiction start to stimulate the same centers of the brain as the drug itself does: the act of procuring the drug, the acts preparing to use the drug. i.e.making the buys; laying out the paraphernalia; for a cocaine addict, making the lines; for an IV user, tying off their arm.
   
   Anyway, the day I bought Kermit, I forgot to bring any of my gum with me. After 3-4 hours at the dealership I started getting antsy, the feeling I'd have when I'd normally ask around if anyone had a cigarette... so I asked around if anyone had any nicotine gum. One guy said no, but he had some plain gum... (gum that happened to be the same size, shape, and flavor as my nicotine gum.) As soon as I started chewing it I felt better, even with no nicotine. Weird, huh?
   
   
5. I still have some of that sardonic bitterness I had when I first quit. However, all those things reformed smokers annoyingly use to try to convince you to quit, telling you about how great it is to be a non-smoker? Um, well, they are starting to be "real" to me.
   
   For example, I can REALLY smell the lilacs in my backyard now. Food does taste better. I can really smell smoke on other people now and I'm relieved that my clothes don't smell like that anymore. I really have more energy to get things done around here (either that, or I just need something to do with my hands since I don't have a cigarette in them, but that works, too).
   
   Gee, I hope I don't start sounding that annoying. I probably will, (Okay, I just did. Anyway...) but I'm already pretty annoying in other ways, adding one more way will be okay if it keeps me smoke-free.
   
   
6. The "coughing up gross stuff" you get warned about? It's not as bad as I've been told, at least not so far. It doesn't happen that often and it does remind me why I don't want to smoke anymore.
   
   
7. Fighting the weight gain is going to suck. I think I've gained 7 pounds!
   
   Ah well, I've come farther with not smoking than I ever imagined I would, let's see how I can do with not eating. Hey, I could start a good exercise regimen now. At least I won't lose my breath so easily.
   
   (Okay, that last note of positive-thinking was annoying, even to me.)

bin Laden's Dead and I Want a Cigarette

I didn't plan to blog today. I mean, I don't want my readers to get the idea I'm consistent or anything.. But it's something of a monumental day, so I figured I had better say something. 

Osama bin Laden is dead. I will say, I was surprised by the sheer volume of jubilation I found over on Facebook and throughout the news. I neither lament nor celebrate this event. After all these years I'm a bit numb to it.

Nonetheless, when I remember September 11, and as we all remember, where I was and what my thoughts were... I think I would have rather he come to trial and answered for his crimes. If it had to end this way I think I still agree with Capricorn Cringe over on The Friggin' Cat House,  "I’m glad we didn’t drop a bomb on his head. I’m glad he went out shooting, because that means he knew exactly what was happening and who was doing it. And why." 

I do wonder, will his death make us safer or incite more violence? We shall see.

Right Turn, Clyde. (Start at 1:20.)

In other news: I started using my Nicorette gum today. B.B. hasn't felt well, I ran out of cigarettes around lunch time and didn't want to drag her out to buy more. The gum does keep the edge off, but offers none of the satisfaction of my habit. But, I've come this far; I might as well keep going.

So, I'm joining the ranks of non-smokers. I don't have to like it. I'm just doing it. I really don't have a desire to be a non-smoker. I'm not proud of myself... I'm really kinda pissy.  So much so, I'm actually using the word pissy in my blog and not cringing (much).

Please don't tell me you're proud of me, or send me big congratulatory notes. I hate this. If you make a big deal out of it, it could be just the impetus I need to go buy a pack... just to rebel against your joy. That's the kind of person I expect to be for a while. Consider yourself warned.

I just re-read the last two paragraphs. Maybe this gum doesn't really take as much edge off as I thought.

So again, don't be proud, don't congratulate, don't spread the news. Just forgive me for whatever I say the next time I talk to you and that will be plenty moral support for me.