Hanging on to the Gusto and Conversating* with the Boo Bear

The Gusto Theatre closed, but the legacy in my life lives on.

Last weekend P.D. and I went to see "Hunger Games." Don't brow-beat me for letting P.D. see such a violent movie... we both had already read the books (have you?) and discussed them. If she had asked to go with someone else, my answer would have been "no" but she was with me, and since we already knew every scene, none of it was really shocking.

Anyway, at the theater, two of my "Gusto Theatre Babies" came up and hugged me. Later in the week, I got a call from one of my teenage "Babies", upset over a break-up. He came over for dinner for a distraction the next night... B.B. kept him so busy playing "Go Fish" and swinging on the swing set, I daresay it worked. Another one IMed me in Facebook last night for some quick advice. Kids are so great. All I ever did was let them know I cared... and it makes my day each and every time one of them calls me on it.

Last night the "Ladies of Gusto" had potluck at our "monthly" get-together. Back in June or July last year at one of the shows, I suggested a "Margarita Night" at my house for the moms of the theatre kids. I was surprised at how many were interested! We had six women, we had a private Facebook page for messages to one another... we had tequila, we had a blender, we had Sabrina at the helm, we were in business!

We had so much fun, we decided to do it again... and again... and we realized we weren't really drinking much margarita. Finally, one night Janet said, "Hey, do we have to make the margaritas or can we just admit that we really like each other?" (Poor Janet is stuck babysitting the tequila at her house; we still haven't gotten all the way through it.) We figured out, the margaritas just drew the line and said "No kids allowed." But now that we're tequila-free, we're even having the kids come, too.

I didn't realize how much I needed girlfriends and girl-time. I don't think any of us did. We share our ups, our downs... we tell stories about our families, the people we grew up with. We TRY to stop short of the following, but last night we had to sing a rousing chorus...

We don't MEAN to...

Pennie took P.D. home with her to spend the night with her daughter... then asked to keep her one MORE night. B.B. says she's missing Sissy, but she likes the "Just Momma and Me" time. She decided she wanted supper from a local fast food place.

B.B. Momma are you ready?

Me: I just gotta find my keys.

B.B.: Now you know you're supposed to put them on the hook as soon as you come in! (Stopped just short of rolling her eyes.)

Me: Kinda like, um, your shoes and your closet?

B.B.: Um... yes? (Big-eyed smile.)

Later, in the car...

B.B.: Momma, is it late Spring?

Me: No, I think it's more like early- or mid- Spring.

B.B.: You don't get to have Summer until after Spring, right?

Me: Right.

B.B.: That's what Papaw said. but I don't know if Papaw knows about these things...

Me: Why wouldn't Papaw know?

B.B.: Well, he's Papaw, and I have to...

Me: B.B., are you just talking to hear yourself talk?

B.B.: (Looking shocked) How did you know? (Long pause) I know f-o-r spells for, and I can use it in a sentence...

Life is good.


* Conversating is a reference from Capricorn Cringe. You can search it on her blog.

Where Was I?

Where've I been? Indecisiveville!

Luckily, I wasn't driving Kermit to get there. I drove the MC in Kermit to lunch earlier today... (Yaaay! Lunch is primo MC-brain-picking time.) I asked the MC about a sound Kermit was making and he listed a couple things it could be, stressing that I needed to get it checked out soon.

Where was I? Yes, Indecisiveville. (And apparently A.D.D.-ville as well... ahem!)

I wasn't sure what I thought, how I felt, what I should do about several different issues... and I wasn't even sure how to put those things into words. I still don't know, but at least I don't feel as lost as I did.

As some of you know The Gusto Theatre managed to put on 2 more shows after the one they originally planned to end with. The final show was this past Sunday, but I had to be out of town. I felt horrible that I wasn't there with my Theatre Babies. In the days leading up to that final show and each day since, I've felt I needed to write something earth-shatteringly touching and special, just to honor my love for each and every one one of them. 

Tonight though, thinking it over, I don't think I could write anything wonderful enough to live up to my love for them. I know, they know. My hope for them is one they'll recognize, a favorite quote of Mr. Dowell's.... 

In the words of Theodore Roosevelt (who will in my mind, will forever sound a lot like our beloved Jonathan): 

Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those timid spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat.

I read that again, and it kind of/sort of segues me right back into talking about working with the Master Counselor. For the last couple weeks, I've been wondering whether I would continue to intern with him next semester. It's not that I wanted to leave, I wasn't sure that he wanted me to stay.

As I've said before, the program he's developed is pretty amazing... and his passion for helping the population he serves is undeniably infectious. However, as I've also said before, he can be very gruff... in some ways easy to read but in others, not so much. Several pow-wows later, and I still don't want to leave, gruff though he may be. He puts himself out there, really doing something to help, and I can't help to want to be a part of that in whatever way I can be. God isn't showing me indications that I should leave, so until HE says it's time to go, I'll stay.

Later this afternoon I had a major screw up... something I couldn't help, but in a moment of OCD panic, the MC called me on the carpet. I listened with complete calm as he said his piece, turned on his heel and disappeared into his office. My typical MO in previous years, heck even recent months, in such a situation would have been to become overwhelmed and then to burst into tears. Today however, I didn't bat an eye. Later, when he called me in to discuss it, he was completely fair with me and understood completely the choices I had made and that in the process of learning I was bound to make mistakes. I've pondered if my calm came from simply moving out of my depression recently, if it showed growth on my part (some of it due to his example), or if it was simply from knowing that he WOULD be fair with me as soon as he calmed down. We have a good working relationship, an acceptance of one another, warts and all. And that's worth sticking around for.

Finally, I've been debating how much to share with you all about some other issues in my life. Cap says I should, but Cap is braver than me. I'm not sure what you'll think, I'm not sure if I'll look silly. (You know it's major if I'm CONCERNED about looking silly).Then again, this-topic-I-say-I-am-avoiding could be nothing at all but a cheap ploy to get you to come back hoping I'll spill my guts. Tune in next time...

I think I'll just wait until something in that situation happens that is so funny that I'll have to share it with you guys for the cheap laugh. I'll do anything for the cheap laugh.

Oh, I'm sure there's more I could write, but I have to get up in the morning to take Kermit to the dealership to get him checked out. Halfway home this afternoon, the MC called to remind me that I needed to go SOON. :) He won't admit it, but he likes working with me, too.

Stopping By for a Brief Catch-up

Hellooooo? Anybody here?

(Wiping off a chair) Here, sit down, sit down, I'll put some coffee on. Things get really dusty around here when I don't come in often enough...

I'm sorry I haven't been here to write, it's not because I didn't want to. For the 4 people who check in regularly, I thought about you the whole time I was gone. I was actually DOING STUFF. (Yaay! There was a time in the history of this blog when I didn't want to leave the house!) I composed entry after entry... in my head.

Out and About

I had one about my last visit with Richie and Wendy (shooting pool of course!) but things were busy so I could only memorialize it in pictures (Mostly on Facebook). Richie beat me to death, Wendy is a doll baby, love them both to pieces... nothing big and new, and we didn't discuss anything amazing or earth-shattering. Then again, with great friends you don't have to, it's enough just be together.

Still not digging how I look in these "we took a shot of ourselves" pictures,
 but I'll get used to it. It's the shot of the other two I really wanted anyway

Miscellaneous

I considered one about how much I'm enjoying visiting while the girls are at theater camp, how much I love my Theatre Babies, but you already know that... I am planning some mischief with my Gusto Girlfriends (the theatre Moms) but since many of them read this blog, I'll have be careful what I report... stay tuned!

I thought about writing one about Dr. P and what a great professor he is... epitome of what a counselor should be and all that... but for the girls in my cohort and me, giving Dr. P a hard time is one of the best parts of Internship Group Supervision class... so I really can't write a whole blog entry being NICE to him...

Then there was the one about...  Never mind.

The MC

The one I most wanted to write is about my new internship for this semester, more specifically, to introduce you to my boss. The Master Counselor is a Vietnam Vet, and a graduate of the same master's program I'm in.  Dr. P commented that my supervisor was very good at what he does; so I entered this internship with a teensy level of hero worship going before I even met him. Add to my preconceived visions of him a deep, all-business voice, a blunt no-nonsense approach to nearly everything, plus a wee bit of (admitted on his part) impatience, and I was almost intimidated into submission....

Best description I can give it: He likes some things a certain way, I'm particular about certain other things... we get together and play musical OCD. I would have written an entire blog about him a couple weeks ago, but privacy is also in his list of hang-ups, so I had to ask permission first, knowing his answer would be a big, fat NO. It took me a week to get up the nerve to ask him.

"I promise not to use your name!'

"Oh, well I guess that's okay then"

I had no intention of using his name in the first place. To me, referring to him as "The Master Counselor" is  infinitely more amusing. I, of course, am "The Counselor's Apprentice."



(No kidding, every now and then when we're having a round and round discussion, I hear the music that starts at around 2:15 start playing in my head. If I'm not careful, I can see the MC resorting to the action at 8:52.)

However, I think we're getting the hang of each other. I'm there to learn, he's willing to teach. He has a ton of experience... seems to enjoy passing his learning along, and he's stinkin' brilliant. (Don't tell him I said that.) Sometimes I learn as much at lunch as I learn in an entire weekend of classes. I bring some technology experience to the table that's come in handy lately, and he makes an effort to let me know it's appreciated... which means a great deal to me. PLUS... he counsels from a holistic perspective, including the spiritual. I think God stuck me right where I needed to be.

Wish I could write more, but there's a pile of laundry the size of a VW Bug on my bed waiting to be folded. (Well, I won't be folding it tonight, but I wanted you to know it got put off so I could get this much typed out.)

I'll try to get back here soon, promise. Lock up on the way out...

Random bin Laden and Pirates... Just staying with a theme here...

This article:
Al Qaeda Confirms bin Laden's Death: Group's Ominous Warning for the US


Kinda gave me chills this morning. It included this picture:




Then again, I had this to watch as well (don't forget to turn off the player on the right if you want to watch):



Is it just me, or do bin Laden and Benny the Pirate bear a striking resemblance?

Probably just me.

Special Post For My Theatre Babies

Good news! It looks like the current Gusto production may not be the last one after all!

After our sad announcement on Saturday, I promised the Theatre Babies I'd put their names in my blog. If you'll look in my page list to the right, you'll see I didn't only give them a post, I gave them their very own page.

Notes to the Theatre Babies Who Read My Blog:

1. The listings on the Theatre Babies page are in no particular order, except that the babies with my name on their birth certificates came first. These are the two who will be stuck with caring for me in my old age, so I have to butter them up.
   
   
2. I love you guys equally!!! (Though, I might be persuaded to actually name a favorite for $100,000.00 in small, unmarked bills.)
   
   
3. This was really hard to do! If anybody thinks of someone I left out, or has a last initial for anyone I couldn't remember, PLEASE message me with it. If you like, you can put it in the comments here, I'll fix it.
   
   
4. Yes, I know I included the names of kids who don't come to our theatre anymore and for whatever reasons, have chosen to wish the Gusto ill and/or to speak poorly about it. 
   
   Bottom line, while each of those kids was with us, I loved him or her and still do. While we might never be all together again, the healing has to start somewhere. I'm not going to stop caring about a kid because of his or her choices, or even pretend I would. I wouldn't do that to any of you.
   
   I'm an adult. (Though I fake it pretty good for you guys.) When you're an adult and grow to love a kid who isn't technically your own, you'll "get it".
   
   
5. If you have questions or complaints about this list, please know you can certainly come to me and I'll listen, and explain as best I can. I only ask that you be polite, as I would be to you. (Besides, I haven't had a cigarette in over 72 hours. Getting rude with Kelly while she's on the prowl for a head to bite off is not the best idea!)
   
   
6. LOVE LOVE LOVE you guys!

ARG!

Authors Note: To the right you'll see a new addition to the blog, JKH Peeps, Places, Things. If you get lost in the post, references are all available there.

Tonight, my heart hurts.

Earlier today the girls had auditions for "The Lady Pirates of the Caribbean" (Another Henry Dowell original). When we arrived (uh, a few minutes late, again) the lobby of The Gusto was packed with the faces of my theatre babies, faces I've grown to love. Today, those faces were sad, some were teary-eyed.

Mr. Dowell was telling us that "Lady Pirates" would be our last production. Keeping a theatre open here in L-town was a challenge from the beginning. Ticket sales and support for our troupe just weren't enough to keep the doors open. Our "family," (and my family) would soon be without our second home. I'd known this day might come, but I didn't expect it to be so soon.

Hit Pause: I'm listening to the Boo Bear and her best friend, Samantha (Sabrina's daughter), saying "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep" with no prompting from me. That makes me smile. They just asked God to bless every one of their relatives, adding Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny at the end.

Hit Play: As I looked around, I saw so many kids that I'd had the pleasure of watching grow, mature and thrive at Gusto in the past year: Jonathan, one of our stars who really found his niche inside the Gusto's walls; Amber (Sabrina's oldest) whose lifelong flair for the dramatic had finally found a home; Valarie, who came to the Gusto reeling the recent loss of her grandmother and found a place to heal; Royce, whose heartfelt speech about the difference Gusto had made in his life at our awards party earlier in the year had us all nearly in tears; Zoe, our quiet little flower who bloomed into a beautiful fairy rose in our current production of "The Velveteen Rabbit"; The Velveteen Rabbit herself, P.D., who came there as an incredibly shy, quiet child, now playing the title character; little B.B., who was learning more about the value of teamwork and following directions with each production.

I ached for them, and I ache for me. Here in L-town, my "social involvement" had consisted of church, the events I attended with Deat, and visits with a few close friends. For some time after Deat's death, I had little desire to leave the house save for necessities. P.D.'s involvement meant my involvement; it got me out of the house and  played a  huge part of getting me back into life. Contributing to the productions, taking an interest in the kids off-stage, making new friends with Henry, Kelsey and too many great parents to name, helped solidify my healing and the healing of my whole family.

However, Mr. Dowell handled his sad announcement with grace. Auditions this afternoon were simple: each child was asked to get up and perform a song, a soliloquy, a speech or poem using his or her best "pirate voice." Our group dissolved into laughter over and over at the kids' efforts... some featuring our own private jokes, some simply hilarious in their renditions.

At least we have another month together. I, for one, plan to pack as much fun and love into our last month in our second home as possible, and to enjoy watching our kids act their hearts out in "Lady Pirates."

If we're gonna go out, at least we'll go out with Gusto, with a hearty "ARG!"

Worth It

As I write this, it's 12:45 am and I've just submitted my last paper for my ethics class, the one that was due at 11 pm. I've written 3 papers for this class, the most recent 7 pages long, not including the abstract and " page + 1/4" of references.

Writing papers for Dr. Derenzo has been a challenge: she IS the self-described "Accountablity Police". I really thought I'd started early enough to meet the deadline. However, to be truthful, despite putting in approximately 15 hours on this piece, I still could have managed to turn it in on time.

I could have turned in a sloppily edited paper on time. Nah, if it's worth doing, it's worth doing right. If I get dropped 1/2 grade for lateness, so be it. I know I turned in the best paper I could write.

There's also another way I could have made it by the deadline. I could have skipped the talent show at The Gusto Theatre tonight. I made a conscious decision to walk away from my paper for a couple hours... the approximate time it took me to finish my edts.

I made that choice for a variety of reasons. The first of those was simple: my girls have had to walk around here on eggshells, not to mention spend time away from home as I've struggled to write papers and attend this class. We don't subscribe to cable, so while I've been here they couldn't even entertain themselves on my laptop (I've been using it) or the family computer (it sits in my bedroom and my workstation for writing and studying happens to be my bed). They deserved to have Momma take them someplace fun.

My second reason was to show support for my friend, Henry Dowell, the impetus behind everything that happens at the theatre. I couldn't begin to thank him for all he's done for my girls, especially P.D., in taking the time to teach them about drama over the past year and a half. Plus, in the course of dozens of rehearsals and working past one fairly bad spat (my bad, Henry) he and Kelsey Shea, his right-hand woman, have become very good friends to me. Supporting each other, that's just what friends do.

My third and not the least reason, was to show support to my "theatre babies". Participating in productions at the Gusto has not only added to the lives of my children, but also to me in giving me the opportunity to meet and learn about so many really awesome teenagers and kids. I've watched them learn and grow with every show, and couldn't help but fall in love with them. I am constantly rewarded for taking an interest in and loving these kids, they never fail to let me know they love me back.

I delighted in every performance tonight, just out of sheer affection for the kids on stage. Several of the segments featured the "Gusto Dancers" performing one of the many dances they've used in shows over the past year and 1/2. I was tickled when they called P.D. to the stage to perform with them. I laughed when, as they prepared for their final dance of the night, to Funkytown, they called Benny (another parent) to join in.

Then, the chanting started from the stage, "Kel-ly, Kel-ly, Kel-ly..." Who was I to tell them no? I've seen them do the Funkytown dance so many times I actually surprised myself by knowing most of the moves... when I wasn't running into Heather, another Gusto parent. And I can't tell you how much fun it was or how great it felt that they wanted me to join in.

So, my paper was late. I'm accountable, I'll take any penalties.

It was SO WORTH IT!!!!!

Today, 2 years later

It was two years ago today that God released Deat from that horrible illness. I've been flip-flopping for 2 days about what to do about today, about what to write... should I recap the last 2 years?

Um, no. Not tonight. I actually made a point today NOT to mention what today was to the outside world, at least not until now. I didn't want a bunch of those old sad looks. P.D. asked me this morning if we were going to do anything special, I told her I had thought about it, and I didn't think her Daddy would want us to. (I actually think he would find that morbid.) I think she was relieved.

Besides, I've lived those last moments, that day, that night, over and over. Deat wouldn't want me to do it again... I'm sure I will at some point, accidentally even, but I'm not doing it on purpose. I may do a sort of recap sometime the coming weeks, but not tonight.

So, here's a weird disjointed collection of things I wanted to talk about:

1. I did do a couple things today. I called Jack at the jail (Deat's old boss). He's not running for re-election, so I wanted his take on who's running. We had a nice little chat, but he was too busy to talk about it much. I also called Todd, a dear friend and deputy at the jail who has since been moved to the night shift. I cannot say enough about how much these two people (and everyone at the jail, really) did for us during Deat's illness. I am forever grateful and love them both. And Todd, well he always makes me laugh. Todd can make griping about something the funniest thing you ever heard.

2. Right turn, Clyde. (If you don't get the reference, you obviously didn't get dragged to the drive-in to see Clint Eastwood in the late 70's like I did. Anyway, for my purposes it's just a warning that I'm switching gears)

3. Yesterday, B.B. looked at P.D. and said "Sissy, you're an asshole" This is a problem... mostly because it's so funny to hear her say it, it's hard to correct her properly, and partly because it's my fault.

Me: B.B., (trying so hard to keep the giggles to a minimum) honey, you can't say that, that's a bad word

B.B.: You called Mr. Dowell an asshole.

(Yes, same Mr. Dowell, you know I really like you when I start calling you names. At this point I lost it and laughed. I'm a really bad mother!)

4. I don't remember whether it was Tina or Sabrina who gave me the Gourmet Mint Chocolate Truffle hot chocolate that I've been avoiding... but I had a cup tonight and whichever one of you it was, I love you to distraction. As for the other one; no, I won't be sharing.

5. Tonight as I was looking up something on my computer, B.B. sat down on the corner of my bed (My desk sits right beside it... I gotta finish the basement at some point and get this thing out of my room!) got my comb and started combing my hair. "Momma, look at the bathroom, look out the window. (When I comb her hair, to get her to turn the way I need her to, I tell her what to look at. "Look in the mirror, baby, look out the bathroom door... ) I had no idea that having someone comb your hair for you felt so good. And it was just a great moment. Little does she know, she'll be stuck with this chore for life...

6. And we have lots of great moments. Earlier tonight it was while the girls were unloading the dishwasher, (B.B. does the silverware, P.D. everything else) then sitting down together for supper. P.D. was just chattering away about this and that. After B.B. finished my hair, she and P.D. were playing some make-believe game together.... I hope someday B.B. realizes how lucky she got in the big sister department. We're a pretty cool little team, we three girls.

So there, I blogged. Onward through this life we go...

It's Almost the Two-Year Mark

And what a journey it's been so far. May I say the learning curve has been much longer than I imagined?

P.D. asked me question yesterday that threw me for a loop.

"Mama, did you love Daddy?"

"What? Yes, more than anything in the whole world! Why would you ask me that?"

"Well, I hear you say that he was your best friend, I never hear you say that you loved him."

"You don't remember? Daddy and I always kissed each other hello and goodbye... we constantly told each other we loved each other."

"No, not really I don't."

Wow. You really never know what they know and don't know. I had to remind myself, P.D. was only six... he's been gone for almost a 1/4 of her whole life. She remembers special things he did and said, but what he was like, day-to-day, eludes her. B.B. doesn't remember him at all.

The one thing, perhaps the only thing I've been consistent about in the past 2 years is my concern for my girls' feelings in all this. I've made a special point to give them as much information about their Daddy as I can, and to preserve anything that might give them any inkling about who he was for when they're older. I read books, talked to therapists, and I really thought I had THAT PART of this life covered.

"Everything else can fall apart, as long as I handle this well, I'm okay." I will say, I am pleased that P.D. felt she could ask... I did something right.

Today, P.D. and I practiced her lines for a play she's in... "The Four Presidents" at The Gusto Theatre here in L-town. God bless Mr. Dowell, he gave P.D. a part as one of the reporters, knowing her Daddy had been one.

I really enjoyed giving her tips on how to deliver her lines. It gave me the perfect opportunity to tell her how much I loved hearing her Daddy on the air, and how beautiful I thought his voice was. Yet another lesson learned, thank you God for the chance to immediately act on it.

Along the same lines, if you knew Deat, (Jerry), and you haven't already, please take a few minutes and go to the guestbook on his memorial website, and share a little about him, especially any good stories you may have. You can SAY how great he was, but a story will SHOW it.

I think it will mean so much to the girls to read about their Daddy and what he was like from all sorts of angles. Also, if you know other people who knew Deat, (especially those that I may not know) please, pass the site along. You have no idea what a gift you'll be giving my girls, and therefore, me.