A Tommy...

And so it began.

I didn't take him seriously at first. He wasn't the first guy to develop a little attachment to me... I make a great friend. I'm a good listener and I take an interest in what the other person has to say. "Something" comes up and things don't work out in the way the guy hopes, and I'm still a good friend.

See, for all my big talk in this blog about being ready to date, I don't think I was. I had the on-again/off-again thing with Kirk because I KNEW he'd never commit. Even if, on the very off chance he decided he wanted to commit, I knew for him it was too hard. It was too much work. He'd lay it off on the tragedies of fate and I'd be off scot-free. Was I attached to Kirk? Yes, very... but the future I hoped for had no grounding in reality... and I knew that.

So, with Tommy, I sort of sat back and waited for the inevitable "thing" that would make this flirting ease into friendship. The "thing" might be different values, me refusing to budge on an issue, or putting up a wall so high he'd never get over or around it. I pulled out all the stops I had stored up.

Tommy team-drives a semi with his partner, Scooter. They're out for 4-6 weeks at a time, then off the road for 4-6 days. He drives the day shift, so for the bulk of the day he's under the wheel (driving) and can't check text messages and communicate through Facebook chat as we had been. He gave me his number and I wouldn't call it, and I didn't offer mine. I gave in after a couple days, and suddenly we were talking all the time, on the 45 minute drive to work, on the drive home, while I was cooking dinner, any time the girls were busy.

On the Road Again...

I insisted if we were going to keep talking, it had to be no sugar-coating, no punches pulled... and I confronted him about everything... not even politely. If he downplayed anything, I called him on it.(At one point he laughed, "Dang! Are you this blunt about everything?")

I was blessed with being a good listener, but thanks to my job I've learned how to listen with intent: for discrepancies, inconsistencies, for any indications of a value system out-of-line with mine. I lobbed tests at him, presented scenarios in which the most obvious choices were self-preservation and the easy way out. He never chose the easy way, he always chose treating people the way he'd want to be treated, doing the right thing over the easy thing. I noticed his own stories from his own life reflected the same values.

Tommy made me laugh... I mean so hard I'd have tears in my eyes and be unable to talk. He was quick without being crass. I left him wide open to be disrespectful, and he never once crossed the line. He seemed to like me better for having boundaries. He never made a secret of his attraction to me, but if the conversation got close to innuendo, he'd change the subject. Immediately. Repeatedly. So I resorted to my big gun...

I talked about Deat. A lot. I mean a lot. Anyone who knows me knows my face and my voice still light up when I mention Deat. Tommy never flinched. He still doesn't. He says he's glad I was blessed to have someone who made me so happy. We made plans to see each other when he came in. He booked a hotel here in town.

I was a little nervous that first Saturday of August when Tommy came over early for coffee. Within five minutes it was like he belonged on the stool across from me. I made breakfast... he mowed my yard (with a push mower, and it was a JUNGLE.) He grabbed a shower then we spent the day doing mundane things: ran errands; cooked supper, took B.B. out so she could dance at half-time at a local football event.

And we laughed. And laughed some more. Somewhere between sipping coffee from my new Route 66 (from the REAL Route 66!) mug, and sitting on bleachers texting each other at the game, I was hooked.

Remember those jokes about hitting on me? They went on for a while... I asked him one day not long before his first visit to "come clean" about "whatever this is" between us. Tommy said it didn't need a "name" on it... by the time we found a name to put on it we would likely have already been committed to each other for some time. And so it is.

As time went on I realized, I had not imagined ever feeling this way again, or that there would come a time when someone would feel the way he does about me. I keep waiting for the "dopamine" to wear off, but the phone rings or the text dings and that grin crosses my face before I can stop myself. Everybody around me needs insulin...

So we're trying not to put expectations or time-tables on it, to just trust God to help us make good decisions and let us know when it's His time to move and do something new. I can say with certainty I feel His hand on it; every time I doubt that, God provides evidence to ease my fears.  And we're both learning new lessons as we go: healing from the past, a little dreaming about what could be the future, sometimes reminding each other to keep it in today.

So, if I actually get busy and start keeping up with this blog again, the tall guy who keeps showing up? That's Tommy.

Be nice. I kinda like this one.

Someone...

Facebook is an interesting thing. Different people follow different rules of Facebook friendship. I make sure I have a connection before I accept a request, but sometimes those connections weren't born in a close relationship pre-Facebook.

My next older and younger sisters are within 14 months of me on either side. My older sister and I were in the same grade. While we had different friends growing up, we were also something of a package deal; if you're a good friend to one of us you're a friend to all three. My older sister doesn't have a Facebook account; my younger one rarely checks hers. Many of their friends "friended" me in an effort to check on them... and so it was with that guy from high school, Tommy.

Three years ago Tommy sent me a friend request and then a note asking how Jeannie was doing, saying he noticed that he and I commented on a lot of the same posts from mutual friends. I remembered who he was... the guy with the jean jacket who bounced down the halls at school. I replied that I had noticed the similar comments, and did the traditional page creep: married, kids, working in sales... I noticed he seemed very devoted to his family. We got in touch one more time in March of 2014 when I noticed he had some phones for sale. 

He was one of those fringe Facebook friends: you "kind-of" know how their life is going; you "like" and laugh at their jokes; you don't know their day-to-day, but sometimes notice a big life change. That came in the fall of last year. I noticed some unhappy posts and the relationship change (divorced). I remember being surprised because he had seemed so devoted. Some of his posts seemed so sad, I kinda hoped from my "distance" that things would work out. Over time he appeared to be moving forward.. spring time brought new pictures with a new girl... life goes on.

Then one Friday night in early July I was scrolling Facebook and saw a post he made about his memories of his five year-old daughter; she died in a car accident 14 years ago. I messaged him just to say I didn't know he had gone through such a loss and to offer my condolences. My phone dinged about an hour later with his response. He shared he had not only lost his daughter, but his wife at the time as well. He and his son (6 at the time) had spent the next few months in a rehabilitation hospital.

For the next two hours we messaged back and forth, mostly about our experiences; with grief, with faith gained and with faith lost. Others can offer condolences, but there's a unique bond with people who've experienced these kinds of losses. Tommy says we understand what other people just don't. I remember thinking, in spite of the subject, he was pretty funny, and I knew then we'd end up being close friends. I wasn't quite picking up on how close.

The next day as I was finishing supper and checking Facebook, this message came through:

All-righy then!

So since I was already online, I answered:

And then:

Tommy still swears he wasn't lying... but he was.

And we were off to the races again, talking about everything under the sun.

Part 3 coming soon!

Catching up... (and then, God sent..)

Achoo! 

Boy the dust collects around here when I've been gone too long. The past nine months have flown by. But it's been so long since I've been here, maybe I need to review things I've already told you.

Remember back in May 2010  when I said I was afraid I'd quit blogging when I became a counselor? Um, didn't mean for that to happen. Still wary of having a client find this, but not so much that I won't come out and say what I do anymore: I work with people with substance abuse issues. I counsel primarily from a 12 step perspective. Learning the steps and principles, and working to LIVE them, has made a profound difference in my life. My clients are some of the finest people I know, and I learn from them every day.

And remember in April 2011 when I announced I was ready to start dating again? Hoo boy... And all the vague/not vague references to Kirk? (too many links, you'd have to search him). I didn't even tell you guys most of what went on because I knew it wasn't healthy. I cant blame him entirely, I found uglier sides of me in whatever-that-was. Even though the (relationship? odd attachment? delusion?) primarily consisted of long-distance phone calls, it took me forever to set that boundary... then reset it... then reset it again after I allowed him to cross it yet again. God finally brought someone else into his life last October; his "need" for me ended.

I had been gaining weight; I gained all the weight I lost with Weight Watchers back. The idea of being attractive to someone seemed far-fetched; even more far-fetched was the idea I could be attracted to anyone. I  got okay with that, however. I had important things to concern myself with: the recovery journeys of my clients, my own children's lives, focusing on changing the one thing I could change: myself and what I needed to do to be the best counselor, mother and friend I could be. I found my own counselor and went to work on myself.

Page 68 in the AA Big Book says, "We are in the world to play the role He assigns. Just to the extent that we do as we believe He would have us, and humbly rely on Him, does he enable us to match calamity with serenity." I tried to apply that every day. Things starting working again. My serenity was returning.

Then, one night this past July...

to be continued

A New Christmas Tradition?

I have got to get back to this blog...

Meanwhile, today marks exactly 5 years since I wrote the most popular post of the 120 I've written.. (Gee, that number sounds good until you notice that this year I've written... uh... two... and that's IF you count this one... )

Anyway, I've been working on posts in my head. Maybe this recycled post will be just the kickstart I need to start writing again. Or maybe I'll slip even further into the clutches of literary laziness and will just come repost this one year after year...

Hope you enjoy just the same, and if I don't make it back here before then, I wish a safe and happy holiday to you and yours.

(This post first ran December 5, 2009.)

HUMBUG!

12/04/11 Editors note: If your Christmas tree is giving you problems and you Googled the name and got sent here, the only help I can offer you is to try THIS; although you can read the following year's entry and learn that it helped some, but not all of the problems.

P.D. asked me yesterday why artificial Christmas trees were invented.

"Well honey, I guess so people won't have to go to the trouble of going to buy a tree every year, they'll already have one at home. It's just easier."

Today, I had to rethink my answer.

For our first Christmas in this house, (2005) my mom bought a pre-lit tree for us. (Actually, for P.D.... she said that her baby deserved something better than the "table-top fiber optic gizmo" that Deat and I called "Our Christmas Tree".)

Oh, that tree that Momma bought, it's a beaut... a 7 1/2 ft Emerald Peak Tree (From K-mart's Martha Stewart line no less). It "features 800 multicolored lights and 1,504 easy-to-shape branch tips Revolving stand included" Yes, that's right folks, my tree TURNS. And man, that first 2 years, well, she was glorious. (Although, I will admit, having an angel staring down while turning in a circle as if she were surveying the room took some getting used to.)

Last December was terribly hectic, not to mention a hard one to "get into the spirit" so putting up the tree was a hurried affair one afternoon after school. I pulled apart the bunched-up branches like fighting fire. As a result, we had a somewhat "gappy" tree. Later in the season, one small line of lights near the bottom stopped lighting... no matter... in a few seconds the good side of the tree came around again anyway. Besides this thing has at least 16 different plugs (with a configuration so confusing, it came with all of the sockets pre-plugged except for the 3 letter-matched plugs and sockets required to connect the 3 different layers of tree.)

Today I decided I'd take a little extra care; I'd take advantage of those "easy-to-shape tips" to make sure our tree would look like the one on the box again. I thought to myself this morning, "I'll try to find that line if I have time and fix it, too."

So, I set the first section in the stand... two rows of branches that fall into place when you set them upright. I noticed as I was shaping the bottom row that the upper-row branches I kept pushing up out my way refused to say there, so I called to P.D. to bring one of my belts from my closet. I pushed all of the upper row branches up out of my way and cinched them with the belt.. worked like a charm! So there I sat on the floor shaping each tip, branch by branch; turn the tree, shape the next one... so pleased with my work... repeat for the next row.

Luckily, P.D. had retrieved not one belt, as I requested, but all of them, so I already had them for the middle section (five rows). I took the top-most of the middle sections branches, cinched them, then the second top-most, cinched them and so on down, so when I finished shaping the bottom-most section I was working on, all I had to do was release the belt above it, and only the very-next row would drop for shaping.

I really wish that had been as easy as it reads here. Those easy-to-shape tips (and the greenery adorning them) hurt! Anyone who has ever made the mistake of working in hay in short sleeves can relate to the scratches covering my lower arms. If you can't relate... be glad. One hour in, and I'm only beginning to shape the bottom-most row of branches for the middle section. It took me another hour to get those rows shaped.

Luckily, TLC called and kept me company for half of that ordeal and the shaping of the top section. As I mentioned to her on the phone, with 2 hours, I could have run out and bought a real tree, and the price would have been a cheap exchange for scratch-free arms! We discussed several topics as I worked, one being that she, (unlike me) had blogged 3 times in November and had also blogged yesterday. As I finished the top section, I told TLC I had to go... it was time to start the decorating.

I plugged in my 3 trusty letter-matched plugs and called to the girls for the first lighting....

Only one of that multitude of light-strings lit.... ONE half of ONE side of ONE row on the bottom of the tree. Just then, I noticed a tag on the plug leading into the base, "One spare fuse inside the socket." Hooray! It's probably just that fuse, right? I opened it up, checked the fuse inside, but it looked fine. I re-plugged the main wire into the wall socket... and now none of the lights will light.

Next year, I believe I'll be forgoing the convenience of my artifical tree for a troublesome real one!

Oh well, while my Christmas Spirit may be a bit lacking at the moment, my competitive spirit is alive and well... At least now I'm one up on TLC for blogging in December.

Retread Reminder

Or, how Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt Fell Off the Rocker to remind you to appreciate the people you love...

Long time, no see, ya'll.

Today's post is something of a re-tread, I've told part of this story on the blog before. I'm retelling it because: 

1. It's my one of my very favorite Deat stories.
2. It's timely.
3. I think this is a really important reminder, and
4. The story is almost entirely written already, so it's should be a quick and easy cut/paste... you know me, I'm all about the easy. Maybe this will renew my writing a bit. Day one of the new year and already a post in!

It all started with this blog post by an old friend from college about the Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie letter. I had read the "letter."  I suspected,  but didn't know it was a hoax, until this morning.

I'll give you a minute to read Falls' post. I"ll wait... Yes, I know he's a good writer, you can check out more of his stuff later.  (Cue waiting music)

So anyway, After reading HIS post, I sent him the following note, which is now doubling as today's blog post:

Re: today's Pitt-Jolie post.

I lived something similar. It began a few years before it became real. I didn't know he was sick. He didn't know he was sick (denial). All I knew was, he didn't seem to be holding up his end on the chores, I had grown resentful, and our marriage had grown listless. He didn't seem to appreciate me, and I certainly didn't appreciate him.

So, I went back the vows. The vows said "cherish". They didn't say, "unless you don't feel like it today." I tried a simple experiment. When he walked in the door after work, I acted like it was the greatest thing that happened to me all day, whether I "meant" it or not. Same thing if I came in after he did. I smiled; I fawned over him; I asked about his day and unrelentingly took his side... 

He responded. At first with a little confusion, but then as anyone would. Imagine knowing you are going home to someone who is not only glad, but THRILLED to see you and cares about everything that happened to you during the day... He walked in smiling and ready to give back what he was getting. Before 3 weeks had passed, I wasn't "acting" anymore. The minute he walked in WAS the best part of my day.

Fast forward to 2008. We were standing in the large mirror in the bathroom getting ready for yet another doctor appointment and his breathing was becoming ragged. I said "Honey, sit down, that's why the chair is in here."

He sat, frustrated after 7 months of dialysis and repeated hospital stays/visits, and tests of all kinds to see if he was fit for transplant. 

Disgusted, he said, "I want you to look at what I've been reduced to."

For some reason, anger flew all over me. I had been working so hard at being cheerful and finding the blessings along this journey. I was rushing to come up with a positive, and comically enough, I spat the first one I could think of at him: 

"(Insert full name, the one you only use when you're REALLY mad, here)! You better jump back and count your blessings! For one thing, you have a wife who absolutely worships the ground your walk on!"

He looked up in the mirror and grinned, "I do, don't I?"

He died before the month was out. 

I can't tell you how much I cherish that moment. I am so blessed to have not one regret, nothing left unsaid. I know, he knew.

So, the Pitt-Jolie story? 

Yeah. Let that sucker go viral as it can, if only one more wife and/or one more husband may learn the value of how the cherish vow REALLY works.

What I Been Done Gone Doing

Well, okay, part of it is just I got lazy, so there. The other part is a little bit of self/client preservation. I've been dying to tell you about my job, and just didn't know how.

Remember back when that guy found me and I freaked out and cleaned up the blog and took down anything that identified me outside of my picture and email? If you notice in the comments of that post, another person who also counsels people commented about professional concerns... which at the time was not the issue.

Well, it kind of is, now, for more than one reason.

Reason number one for avoiding writing was actually more to protect the people who see me professionally. I love my job. I mean, I LOVE my job. Some (not all, but some) of the funniest, most fascinating and poignant things that happen in my life these days happen in my office. I can't tell these stories now; they're too new, too fresh, too relevant to the people who make up my caseload. I don't want to take a chance that one of them could be identified by someone who knows me and also happens to know the client. It's a small town. 

The second reason is concern that one of the people I see for work might find this blog. I think it just makes the lines a little too blurry. It's taken many months to try to figure out how to tell my readers what my job actually is without immediately creating a veritable Google hot spot for the population I serve. I'm keenly aware of how search engines find me. If you are finding this post somewhat enigmatic, it's supposed to be, I'm trying to avoid keywords.

I think I've finally figured out how to clarify my occupation, but hopefully fly under the search engine radar.

I started out as something of an assistant but I am now responsible for my own caseload in a town near where I live. My clients have issues with items that create false states of well-being, of emotion, and/or of reality. Most of them come to me through the strenuous suggestions of the judiciary. The company I work for contracts with the judiciary for the services I provide.

Hopefully, that was clear. As mud. At least for the search engines.

Hopefully I can find ways to tell you how much I love my job without telling too much.

Hopefully, God will use me to help Him make a positive difference in my clients' lives. I know He's used them to make positive differences in mine.

Hopefully. :-)

Nerds

I decided to get in touch with my inner nerd. My true self. The one I hid in high school by avoiding anything that didn't seem cool. I decided to start with the basics.

So as I type this, I'm watching TNG (Google it) and fighting the urge to send a text to Blog Kirk and ask him why the guys in Shuttle Bay II didn't get sucked out the great big door when it opened. Shouldn't they have brought the shuttle in, closed the door and then done some kinda vapor lock thingy before they went in there?  And did Picard just kill himself from another dimension?

"Ooooh, I HATE when one of my crew gets sucked out into space!"

A few weeks ago, Kirk and I had dinner at a chinese place. We were discussing Bones McCoy. Kirk (the blog Kirk, not the real one) said Bones had been married at one time and had a daughter.

Me: "No way! I'm almost done with Season 3 and Bones just got done saying how he's almost always been lonely!"

Blog Kirk: "He does."

"There is no way Bones would go gallivanting all over space if he had a daughter waiting on some planet."

"It may be from one of the Star Trek books, but I'm sure he does."

"Did Gene Roddenberry write it?"

"No."

(As I got up to go back to the buffet) "Then it ain't cannon."*

(Somebody help me, did that REALLY come out of my mouth?)

So, um, yeah. I'm a nerd.

I think everyone around me already knew it, even from way back in high school. Still, I avoided science fiction like the plague lest someone suspect. I appreciate those of you from back in the day, for letting me hang on to my illusion of cool... My fragile ego couldn't have stood knowing that you knew.

So thanks to you all,  but that facade?

I don't need it anymore.


* You can look up what that means, too. If you already know, you might be as nerdy as me.
Oh, and the truth is, I wrote this one weeks ago, just forgot to finish and post it. I'm well into DS9, now.

Today's Date Says It All

I write the date a lot for work. Every time I wrote it today, I couldn't  help but pause, just for a second.

I remembered how it felt that day... 10 days before our first little girl was born... looking at my belly and thinking: what kind of world are we bringing this baby into?

I just watched some tribute videos and I'll admit, I shed a few tears.

Still, it turned out to be a decent world after all... you just have to know how to choose where to look, and where to focus.



*Yeah, yeah I've been on hiatus for awhile. See, I went out and got a REAL job, and it takes time.. I've been writing the explanation post in my head for a couple days. Gimme a few more.

Five Years In

Five years.

Deat died five years ago, February 23, 2008.

In some ways, it doesn't seem so far in the past. When I look at what's changed between then and now, it seems like a long, long time. P.D. and B.B. aren't 6 and 2 years old anymore; they're 11 and 7. My youngest is older, now, than my oldest was, then. 

I've been building up toward this post for several weeks; unsure of what I wanted to say but sure that I needed to say SOMETHING. I decided to include an inventory similar to one I've used with clients to see if those ideas lead somewhere interesting. They did for a bit, but it still took me 3 more days to finally finish.

Family - Deat and I hoped to foster a sense of "all for one and one for all" in our family culture. It's hard to be objective, but I like to think of us as a tight little team. I think the girls understand that we depend on each other, and we each have to contribute to make this thing run smoothly. I think in some ways the adversity probably bonded us a bit tighter from necessity. I will admit, I still wish the girls' had the benefit of Deat's life perspective to compare and contrast with mine as they decide for themselves where their values and priorities lie. Luckily, I have a pretty good memory and share as much of who he was with them as I can.

As for extended family, My parents and siblings still live in or near P-town, Deat's are still in J-town, and all of them are still my family. Sometimes folks are surprised to learn I have a close relationship with Deat's parents and his brother and family. It's hard for me to imagine the kind of pain it would be to lose them, too.

Friendships and Leisure Activities - In my married life: Deat was my very best friend; Sabrina filled most any of the gaps in between... not to mention that the girls were small and there just wasn't room or time for outside socializing.

Five years later: Over time, God has blessed us with a tight support network of friends to hang with. In just the past year we've been to several cookouts, taken a group trip to the Knoxville Zoo, a group trip to the aquarium in Gatlinburg, went to and hosted Christmas parties, hosted a five-family yard sale, had several get-togethers with just the Ladies and other get-togethers for the whole families, both here and at others' homes, had overnight guests from out of town twice, had  Theatre Babies coming over for dinner, participated and performed in a few plays.

The common theme of all these activities?  Lots of love and laughter. I can't imagine being more blessed than we are.

Health/Exercise - See previous post

Work/Career/Education - Big changes there. In February 2008 I was in my 9th year as a membership representative for the nation's largest small business lobby. I signed up new members through cold calling; renewed existing members through delivery of an annual progress report. I had a large territory that extended into several counties. And I soon realized I had no more desire to get out of the truck and actually DO my job than the man in the moon.

Part of the problem was that I traditionally gave a very folksy pitch that included anecdotes about the things my husband would say. I didn't know how to adjust it to take Deat out of it. Add to that plain old grief and situational depression; I didn't have much desire to talk to anyone; much less about the politics that were often of more interest to Deat than to me.

I realized part of the reason I loved the job was because I "shared" it with Deat: I just didn't want to do it anymore, but had no idea what I could do. So God told me. In January of 2010, I returned to school, and in 2012 I finished my M.Ed. in Counseling and Human Development.

Today I am a licensed counseling associate working for an agency. Interesting that I left my old job in part because I shared so much of my own life in it, and moved to a job where my experiences help me to relate to my clients, but the less I discuss my own life, the better.

Most important lesson of late: Empathy does not mean putting MYSELF in the client's shoes; I know how I think and it's unlikely that the client thinks the way I do. Empathy is closer to understanding how my client feels about the shoes he or she is wearing.

With that in mind, I do want to share a bit about the shoes I wear and what they mean to me:

1. I am not broken and I don't want to be treated that way. I've moved through the worst of my grief. If anything, I'm less vulnerable: Very little about the future scares me anymore. The worst thing I could imagine happening, happened, but I survived it. I'm here, my girls are here, and we're okay.

Am I the same person I was five, six years ago? No. I wasn't the same person, in 2008 that I had been in 2003, either. If I seem quirky and strange, well, believe it or not, I was quirky and strange before I became a widow, before I became a wife. T.L. can attest to that.

2. My life doesn't need "fixing." I don't need a husband. I don't need a boyfriend. I don't need a shoulder to cry on. I don't need a substitute father for my girls. If I need help, I ask for it. Our gang of friends includes some really fantastic examples of upstanding faith-filled men who look out for us. I also have an awesome brother and brothers-in-law. I have plenty of models to help me show the girls how a good man conducts himself so they'll know when they're old enough to start evaluating their own potential suitors. (And with that bunch of fellas looking out for my girls, I feel sorry for the first guy to come calling!)

For me, I'm not saying I'm opposed to a romantic relationship. I'm clarifying: if I do have a man in my life, it will be because I allow him to be, not because I need him to save me from the life I have. Right at the moment, I don't see a great deal of free time to pursue such a relationship, but if I did find room, let me add a warning: if I complain, don't try to fix it, try listening... that's probably all I want.

3: I see myself as blessed. And that's how I want you to see me. Don't cry for me for the loss of my husband; rejoice with me that I had the privilege to be his wife. I got to be married to the greatest guy I ever knew for almost 9 years, and I have the wonderful second family he left me, as well as two beautiful girls to carry on his legacy. Why would you feel sorry for that? My challenges of the past  five years weren't/aren't greater or lesser than yours. They were/are just different.

Finally, I won't pretend that I was Miss Strong and Brave all the time. There were periods in there that were truly horrible, and feelings I hope I never experience again. Do I still miss Deat and wish he were here? Without question. Little things can still bring fresh pain. That said, as time goes on, it does get more bearable, and easier to live with.

At some point the "new" normal stops being the new normal, and without fanfare, it becomes simply, THE normal. The resentment of not living the life you had planned gives way to acceptance of the blessings in the life you still have.

To paraphrase the reminder plaque our beloved neighbor, Miss G. (also widowed), plunked down on my end table on a day when I came to her crying and struggling:

"It's (still) a wonderful life!"

But They Don't Fall Down...

Sooo, Weight Watchers

I've debated including this update, because most of you come here via my Facebook page and have already seen this picture:

The picture on the left was taken the first weekend in May, 2012.
The one on the right, the last week in August, 2012

Exciting, right? Except after that, it slooooowwwwwed waaaaay doooown.. I've lost 10 more pounds since then, but I've been fighting with the same 3-4 pounds since November. Sigh. 

I've decided it's because right now, outside, it gets too dark, too early, for me to get out and walk;

it's too cold to drag the girls out with me;

Michelle isn't coming over to walk;...

And, um, I'm lazy.

My other favorite excuse is that I hate shopping and if I lose much more I will have to go, at least to Goodwill, for some "in between clothes"... in between the size I am now and the size I want to be. Why invest real money in clothes you don't plan to stay in, right?

The positives remain: when I add weight back on, it doesn't stay there. Also, I still weigh 10 pounds less than I did BEFORE I quit smoking. Kidding aside, I truly believe when I get my exercise regimen going again I will begin losing more consistently again.

Unless I keep doing stuff like I did tonight. 

Many of you know a little about the Weight Watcher's system. Different foods have different point values, your mission is to try to keep your daily points intake as close as possible to the daily points values assigned to you based on your current height and weight. I started out with 35 points per day, I am now allotted 30. (You get rewarded for success by getting your daily points lowered... it rather seems counter intuitive, like a punishment for victory, doesn't it? I digress.)

Points won't matter, however, if you don't TRACK them. The online tracker even has recipe builder so you can figure out points-values and track your home-cooked recipes before you ever make them. For the first several months, before I took a bite of anything I already had it tracked online.

Most fresh fruits and vegetables are assigned zero points: this offers motivation to include more fruits and vegetables in your daily intake. More fruits and vegetables = healthier lifestyle. That part of the program has really worked for me. My cart at Kroger is already half-full before I ever get out of produce. After some time using the tracker, you begin to figure out how to make better food choices on your own. The problem is getting too cocky...

I've learned to experiment more: I watch for and try lots of different vegetable side dishes with supper. Today I found a recipe for Roasted Brussels Sprouts with Walnuts. Sounds good and healthy, right? No need to track it before supper, I was too busy cooking. The girls didn't like it; I thought it was delicious. So, I proceeded to eat it. All of it. Better than eating more mashed potatoes, right?

Except: 

See those arrows pointing to the FOUR points per serving?
Tonight's recipe made, um FOUR servings

The walnuts helped kill it, but yeah, 16 points worth, over half of the points I'm allowed per day, of Brussels Sprouts.

Destroyed my points for the day.

It's just not fair.

Brussels Sprouts should be NEGATIVE points just for their very nature of BEING Brussels Sprouts*.

If I can just convince my hips of that... 

That's okay though. I may not be moving as fast but I'm still moving forward, wobbling along...

*Okay, I'll fess up, I LOVE Brussels Sprouts. However, nobody else does, so I still contend that they should be negative points.